Home » Gratuitous Impiety » Lindsey England’s Ass Face Cookies

Lindsey England’s Ass Face Cookies

shakespeare_flip_ani Got a complaint? Email the Editor. We listen.

are you worthy?

CONSPIRACYTHEORISTBADGE-OF-HONOR A badge of honor. Fact -based informed dissent will always prevail. So are you worthy, or are you this guy?






  • I Dumped Him for Slayer Because Slayer Rules
    It happened like this. Me and Matt were on the couch with my cat Quothorn, pounding beers and chowing on vegan dumplings, just trying to think of something to do. I said we should download Cannibal Holocaust, my favorite slasher movie of all time. He just looked at me and… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Is Your 12-Year-Old Daughter Pretty Enough to Be Your Alter Ego?
    A lot of us bring kids into the world for this purpose: to have cute Mini-Mes pose as us and serve our creative needs. But is your own daughter pretty enough to fulfill this duty? Thanks to pop star Sia, having a cute 12-year-old girl pose as your alter ego… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Writer Takes Break to Focus on Creating a Cute Writing Nook
    Two years into her career as a writer and struggling with a two-year case of writer’s block, Emma Harris realized the solution to her problem was simple: She just needed to create a cute new writing nook. “I knew that embarking on my very first redecorating project would totally be… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • 5 Ways to Know He’s the One – the One to Rule Them All!
    Sometimes he feels like the perfect fit, the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, your precious, the one who will grant you the power to conquer all of Middle Earth! But how can you be sure? With this quick list, figure out if he’s truly… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • His Dick Was Just Regular
    We’ve all been there. You’re at brunch with your friends, and they ask you about last night’s escapades. “How was it?” “Are you going to see him again?” “Was his dick amazing or terrible?” Each question is an adventure, a treasure trove of further discussion and speculation… most of the… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Which Violent British Crime Show on Netflix Best Reflects Your Own Fears as a Woman?
    Every woman comes prepackaged with her own unique grab bag of fears. Maybe you fear being murdered, or raped, or even killed! There’s nothing better than coming back from a night out on the town, feeling frightened by the footsteps behind you, and then turning on Netflix to watch your… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Karen’s Cat Really More Like A Dog
    Local graphic design student Karen Schaffer made waves this week when she adopted an unusual cat from the local shelter. Maggie began exhibiting strikingly canine behavior after adoption, leading sources to believe that the cat is really more like a dog.   At her dinner party on the lower east… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Fun Ways to Ask A Total Stranger to Retake An Unflattering Photo
    Selfies don’t always cut it. There are moments in every woman’s life that are so essential to document, she needs to suck it up and ask a stranger to take her photo as many times as is necessary for her to be happy with the results. Luckily, strangers love having… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Get Over Your Breakup With These Inspirational Quotes That You Just Made Up!
    So you’ve been dumped, and you’re a total wreck. Well, who can blame you? In times like these it’s important to remember that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel—and that light is inspirational quotes to cling onto with terrifying fervor. It’s easy to move on with quotes… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Lipstick Shades that Might Match this Dress?!!
    The Reductress staff, like people all over the internet, is asking ourselves, “what color is this dress?!” Which begs another relevant question – what color lipstick would you wear with it? We’re scratching our heads, questioning our sanity, and placing lipstick after lipstick next to our monitor. The problem is… ... read more
    Source: ReductressPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Will the Real President Please Step Forward?
    If you compiled a list of the most powerful people in America, it’s debatable as to whether the president would even make the top 10 ... read more
    Source: Veterans TodayPublished on 2015-02-28
  • ‘I am not a terrorist’: Wisconsin workers come out in force after Gov. Walker’s ISIS jibe
    Five-thousand Wisconsin trade unionists braved freezing weather to protest an anti-union law that Republicans are pushing through the state legislature – and to take potshots at Gov. Scott Walker’s comments in which he compared them to terrorists.Read Full Article at RT.com ... read more
    Source: RTPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Who and what is the real Bibi Netanyahu?
    There's no mystery about what Bibi Netanyahu is. ... read more
    Source: Veterans TodayPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Will Minsk-2 Checkmate the Warmongers?
    Jim W. Dean... "The Republic militias estimate on munitions recovered in the Debaltsevo pocket was 500 tons, plus enough reparable armor for four new brigades." ... read more
    Source: Veterans TodayPublished on 2015-02-28
  • Uri Avnery – An Expensive Speech
    Jim W. Dean..."America needs to kick Bibi in the noogies by flooding Congress with calls of how ashamed we are of their bending over the fence." ... read more
    Source: Veterans TodayPublished on 2015-02-28

Share Button

Neglected Ass Fetish Demo Finally Wooed

This week, Nabisco announced controversial plans to use Lindsey England’s face as a cookie mold for Butt Munch “ass cookies.” The cookies, graham crackers shaped like human buttocks, were on the drawing table for years and many thought the new product would never see the light of day.

A company spokesman noted that “For years we wanted to appeal to a massive and under-served ass fetish demographic; so when marketing tests concluded Miss England’s face resembled the human ass with such uncanny likeness as to fool seat cushions, bar stools and public toilets, we knew we had a spokesperson to sell our new cookies. We immediately hired the ugly bitch, and we’re lucky to have her.”

If sales are brisk, another product that hopes to appeal to the fetish demographic, Heel Meals, should be introduced by this summer.

Share Button


Rss 256x256