Lindsey England’s Ass Face Cookies

Neglected Ass Fetish Demo Finally Wooed

This week, Nabisco announced controversial plans to use Lindsey England’s face as a cookie mold for Butt Munch “ass cookies.” The cookies, graham crackers shaped like human buttocks, were on the drawing table for years and many thought the new product would never see the light of day.

A company spokesman noted that “For years we wanted to appeal to a massive and under-served ass fetish demographic; so when marketing tests concluded Miss England’s face resembled the human ass with such uncanny likeness as to fool seat cushions, bar stools and public toilets, we knew we had a spokesperson to sell our new cookies. We immediately hired the ugly bitch, and we’re lucky to have her.”

If sales are brisk, another product that hopes to appeal to the fetish demographic, Heel Meals, should be introduced by this summer.

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The Men Who Killed Kennedy, a nine part documentary on the John F. Kennedy assassination by Nigel Turner, censored by the History Channel under pressure from the Lyndon Johnson estate. It is by far the best researched and irrefutable authority on the events leading up the killing, those responsible, and what it meant for America.

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