The Nobel Prize committee has just announced a new nominee in the science department. Geneticist Dr. Hung Lo of MIT has not only discovered a way to remove and repair defective genes responsible for cancer and a host of many incurable diseases, the brilliant young scientist has also discovered a means to locate and repair the gene mutation responsible for CNN reporters.
“Gone are the days when couples held back on having children because they feared severe birth defects, terminal post-natal diseases, or the possibility that their child might be a CNN reporter.”
Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Lizzy Borden was not pleased about the new technology, and was concerned over the loss of revenue from aborted CNN reporter fetuses. While she did not have any prepared comment, we caught up with her later at a poetry reading in Santa Monica, where we gained the following insights as she stood up, opened her notebook, and read aloud…
“Our clinics, once busy,
have fallen silent.
No more the steady dull thud,
the sweet percussion
of little Don Lemons
and Anderson Coopers
and Wolf Blitzers
flying, like our spirits
flying into the cold hard steel
of awaiting dumpsters.
That music is gone,
the dance in our step, gone
For I am silenced, my laughter gone
the chirp, gone
I am a muted cricket in a wheelchair
partaking not in midnight chorus
fuck you Dr. Hung Lo
no more the sweet and grateful sighs
of terrified mothers
relieved they’d bring one less terror
one less CNN baby
into a world of horrors…”
As the hipster audience began to throw diapers and rotten fruit at the poet, Stephen Hawking, who happened to be in the audience, added:
“CNN is a cancer. Humanity may now look forward to a positive step in evolution if these terrible mutations can be curtailed. The corporate media’s main reason for existing is to get people to war against one another, to foment division. They are not agents of healing or education, they are not a means for critical thinking as opposed to indoctrination and group think. Without them, there would be no wars of aggression, for it is not human nature to kill without a clear and present danger, which of course, the media artificially creates every day.
“They’re dangerous, even an existential threat, because all wars begin with a persuasion effort that starts in the mass media. They are the masters of perception and as a monolithic entity present what many perceive as ‘reality.’ But they largely create the mental prison we live in. Did you know CNN pays airports to keep their channel on in airport terminals? They’ll even install the televisions.”
At press time, the next poet started off with a piece called “If Life Gives You Lemons, Go to Planned Parenthood.”
If life gives you lemons
if life gives you Don Lemons
go to Planned Parenthood…”
CNN once changed the entire news industry, but now is its biggest embarrassment. From improv pundits pretending to know what they’re talking about, to endless baseless speculation about nonsense to their race baiting, they have ruined their reputation.
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