According to exclusive memos recently obtained by the Impious Digest, there was one more interrogation technique that in addition to torture, yielded no useful information whatsoever.

In two memos, Judge Jay Bybee and accomplice John Yoo write of several ways to circumvent existing laws prohibiting an act more commonly known as murder :

“The practice of Involuntary Brain-Wave Cessation (IBWC) interrogation techniques includes but is not limited to water boarding, beatings, drowning, hanging, shooting the interrogee point blank in the face, dismemberment, throwing the interrogated off tall buildings or aircraft, and running him over repeatedly with a tank. The intelligence gathered postmortem may save American lives; provided the torture can continue after the prisoner is deceased and there is a medium to relay the confession. It is therefore our opinion that the jury is still out on the interrogation efficacy of IBWC.”

Bybee’s memo further states:

“When discussing IBWC, it is suggested the practice of ambiguous and dehumanizing semantics be employed by news assets at major print media/broadcast media; particularly the latter, such as FOX, CNN, NBC etc. Call it IBWC or Involuntary Brain-Wave Cessation. Do not call the interrogation technique murder and avoid any possible insinuation of death when more palatable terminology exists. People think in words. Wording is very important.

“If an interrogation technique results in the death of the suspect, we suggest the incident be reported somewhat as follows: ‘The prisoner was downgraded to IBWC and was immediately free to go.’

If further inquiries are made in regard to said prisoner, it can be said, with veracity, that the suspect has been freed and we cannot ascertain their whereabouts after they leave the premises.”

“The practice of Involuntary Brain-Wave Cessation (IBWC) interrogation techniques includes but is not limited to water boarding, beatings, drowning, hanging, shooting the interrogee point blank in the face, dismemberment, throwing the interrogated off tall buildings or aircraft, and running him over repeatedly with a tank. The intelligence gathered postmortem may save American lives; provided the torture can continue after the prisoner is deceased and there is a medium to relay the confession. It is therefore our opinion that the jury is still out on the interrogation efficacy of IBWC.”

When questioned on the controversial practice and the value of the intelligence gathered there from, a flustered Peggy Noonan says “it’s time we walk on by, that some things should be kept mysterious” and claims those who call the interrogation practice “murder” are just being unpatriotic and manipulative. She added, incorrectly, that “IBWC is used in training SEALS for any possible enemy interrogations they might have to endure and it has never been an issue before.” We checked with the Pentagon’s Office of Torture and Domestic Psychological Warfare and were told this practice is reserved for enemy prisoners and SEALS need only prepare for possible torture.

“Noonan is an ignorant twat,” Maj. Harry P. Denda said dismissively. “Dead soldiers are useless. Why the fuck would we kill our own to “train” them? I’m telling ya, son, television pundits are lower than dirt, these dumbfucks are so self-infatuated actually start believing their own lies. Their credibility is so bad now they’re useless for domestic propaganda, useless. Totally useless. Ever hear anyone at the water cooler discuss any political issue of substance and cite Peggy Noonan or George Wills?”

“Never. They’re not witty, insightful or entertaining.”

“Exactly. You don’t. It’s like saying ‘Of course my thesis on Coke’s failures in taste tests is reliable: the source is Pepsi!’ You can’t cite your enemy for facts, and the commercial news is our enemy. The same people who make our nukes and war supplies own the networks. They wanted this oil war, or any war. The military-industrial complex President Eisenhower warned us about is alive and well. Such a complex always control the broadcast media. When was the last time you saw a network oppose a war?”

“Truth,” he added “in one way or another, it will challenge us, wake us from our stupor. Our propaganda assets hate that and competing broadcasters will act in a unified front to maintain the illusion of partiality. If one falls, so does the other. They are not here to deliver truth. They’re here to conceal it, each news entity fighting for the most engaging and polarizing way to do it.”

By the time we finished talking, it was clear the commercial media had fought a devastating war against the American people if only to deceive us into acting against our interests, and fighting an indefinite war. Indefinite, not definite, by design to maximize the profits of war profiteers. It was not the first time, by far. At bottom, and irrefutably, these propaganda assets were accessories to war crimes. The present war crime they were defending and facilitating, in fact, was torture.

FOX News Goes on the Offensive

Later that day, a look at Meet the Press and The O’Reilly Factor underscored Denda’s point. Meet the Press had a panel that universally agreed that IBWC actually worked, and O’Reilly was frothing at the mouth as he argued with an army coroner and intelligence specialist over the value of intelligence obtained after death.

“Let me ask you again. If the intelligence gathered from resorting to IBWC saves American lives, would you do it?”

“I resent your Nuremburg euphemism,” said the specialist, Col. John Lincoln. “It’s not IBWC it’s murder. Call it what it is or I’m walking off the set.”

O’Reilly grew livid, but this particular guest was not intimidated in the least.

“I didn’t ask you what you thought of my semantics!” thundered O’Reilly as Lincoln fought back a smirk of derision. “Would you do it?”

“No. Only a sick moron would even try. Unless you have a medium and a willing ghost of the man you just tortured to death, there is no intelligence to be gathered.”

“But you don’t know that. Obama has yet to release the memos of the times useful intelligence was actually gathered. Would you resort to this interrogation tactic if it saved American lives?”

“I am all for the release of the memos Cheney noted. If they do point out to any successes as he claims, the same classified memos will also point out the countless false leads, which led to the deaths of innocent cab drivers but more often the death of American troops. Our troops weren’t saved. That’s Orwellian double-speak. They were killed. Having seen the consequences first hand, with these false leads,
men were led into ambushes by the tortured prisoners. You really have no idea what a man, let alone actual terrorist, will say if he knows he is about to die, and has no information to offer. If we have an actual terrorist, he knows he won’t be around long enough for the next interrogation. A terrorist is already trained in what to say in case it is physically impossible to kill himself. Each one will have a different ambush point they had already picked themselves.”

“You give these savages too much credit.”

“Yes. Because suicide it taboo there. There is no such thing as suicide bombers in the middle east. No, you see, those fanatics walking around with explosives are just delivery men from UPS Iraq, and ‘Allah Ahkbar!’ means ‘delivery!’ in Arabic.”

“I knew it!”

“You never served our country, did you G.I. Joe? ” asked Lincoln, exasperated.

“No, but I-“

“Call it IBWC or Involuntary Brain-Wave Cessation. Do not call the interrogation technique murder and avoid any possible insinuation of death when more palatable terminology exists. People think in words. Wording is very important.”

“I thought so, Bill. You act like all the sniper and I.E.D. incidents killing our troops left and right is some kind of accident. They had to be led to those areas. Iraq is too huge for small cells to carpet with minefields; as they would have to be given the casualties we see right now. This notion that more American lives were saved than lost over intelligence that was completely false or somehow culled from murdered prisoners… that belies an appalling ignorance reserved for chicken-hawks, and frankly is an evil too deep to fathom.”

“Stop it right there-“

“No! murder is simply wrong! morally and strategically!”

Frustrated, O’Reilly turned to the coroner, Dr. Gerald Shale.

“Dr. Shale, is it your professional opinion that useful intelligence can be and was gathered from prisoners that had been tortured to death?”

“Yes. During an autopsy, after the brain is removed, brain samples are removed and examined under a microscope. We can see snippets of the prisoners life like a movie. Then we record them as videos and have them analyzed by experts.”

O’Reilly perked his ears, gaping in awe. “Really?”

“Just kidding. Of course not, you imbecile! You called me all the way from Iraq to ask me that stupid question? Can I leave now? I’m getting contact stupid from this turkey-necked sadistic fuck!” he said angrily, tearing off his microphone in disgust.

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