 |
"Your book's
precious conjecture that Jesus wasn't crucified,
that he had children with Mary, then moved to
France and thus became a royal blood lineage...
What better way to perpetuate the unworthy
kingdoms of inbreds than to fool the world into
believing the royal families of Europe are
direct descendants of Jesus of Nazareth?" |
|
Exclusive Excerpts from upcoming sequel, The Mystery of the
Holy Grail, the Holy Salad Tongs, the Holy Gravyboat and the
Holy Pepper Grinder
The Holy Grail. It was the cup Christ used at the Last Supper.
But some biblical scholars now believe the mystery of the Holy Grail
cannot be solved without the three missing utensils that made this
Last Supper complete: the Holy Salad Tongs, the Holy Gravyboat, and
the Holy Pepper Grinder. It was all hidden from Unworthy Man for
thousands of years, until now...
SYNOPSIS: The Holy Salad Tongs are
a code concealed for centuries by a lineage of Druid and
apostate Templar masons hungry to discredit Judaism and
Christianity. Among them is a powerful alien publisher, The
Reptilian, who hypes Brown Daniels, a mediocre writer that
shares his anti-Semitic and anti-Christian beliefs. Daniels is a
neo-Wiccan Amway salesman whom argues Judaism and Christianity
are based on a massive fraud as described by Jesus' talking
salad tongs. His findings conclude that the key to translating
the mystery of the Holy Salad Tongs is an anagram in the label
of the long missing Holy Pepper Grinder and the Holy Gravyboat.
Though Daniels is thought clinically insane, the Reptilian uses
his findings to divert the masses from the real secret of his
dark order: that Jesus and Moses were linked to alien awareness
and visitations from the beginning.
Worse, Daniels had incorrectly
translated the "code", which was not even a code but read, in
plain English:
"In the beginning, men were seeded
on earth by God.
God and Lucifer represent opposing factions of extraterrestrial
life, but Lucifer was cast down and bound to earth. Is
Heaven not space? Verily, this is the Great Secret of Illuminist
masons since Adam Weishaupt- that the devil, like God, is an
extraterrestrial. Though now earthbound and subterranean, these
extraterrestrial 'demonic' entities control most of mankind
through technological superiority and knowledge of highly
advanced biology and poly-dimensional physics which men doth
perceive as magic. Thus Lucifer and his angels were the gods of
the Egyptians, and of Illuminist masons who began as astrologers
but soon fell to worshipping the same Fallen Angel of countless
names; this as attempts were made to resurrect the
extraterrestrial 'magic' and glory of ancient Egypt. Behold,
this is why
masonic symbolism is awash in
Egyptian mysticism as thou mayest find on the American
dollar bill. Verily, at the highest level, unbeknownst to new
initiates and lower ranking masons below the 30th degree, these
gods are aliens, they are right under our noses.
But the Almighty God of Adam,
Abraham and Moses didst show mercy unto man, and Jesus'
crucifixion marked the sealing of a prophecy of man's redemption
that doomed the alien and dragon Lucifer, and those who had
allied themselves to him. For behold, Jesus himself claimed he
was an ET, as a Son of God, who is in heaven. Those who have
ears to hear, and eyes to see...let them hear, and let them
see."
This was not good enough for Daniels. Convinced it was a code
based on a sliding cipher, he partially- and erroneously-
translated it thus...
"In the beginning, there was the spoon and fork. God showed
mercy unto men, and that men may drink not from a bowl, didst
bring unto men the Holy Grail and Holy Shot Glass, that
beverages may be sipped therefrom, and God saw that it was good.
And God saw the table needed more utensils, for the garden salad
was not easy to toss, and behold, he did create for man the
salad tongs. And these Holy Salad tongs did speak unto men and
shew many miracles, and they brought forth the Holy Pepper
Grinder and the Holy Gravy Boat that it may not be alone on the
supper table."
Herein is the first chapter, the first in a series of
installments...
Chapter 1
"I'm a Tool!"
"Tonight the rightful guardians will be
restored. Tell me where it is hidden, and you will live." The
strange albino man leveled his gun at the kneeling curator's
head. "Is it a secret you will die for?"
Pike could not breathe. The gunman was wearing J
Lo perfume, its fumes pungent enough to permeate the clothes of
those around him. Damn him! thought his hapless victim. I'm
gonna die smelling like ass and Puff Daddy.
"Your brethren have something that does not
belong to you. Tell me where it is!"
"Never! I will die first!" Pike grumbled
defiantly.
"Tell me and you may live! Tell me!"
"I don't know! I swear, and if I did know, I
wouldn't tell you that I know!"
"Tell me! And what did you and your brethren
do with my Vagisil?"
The albino man cocked the hammer of the gun. The curator
tilted his head, peering down the barrel of his 38. Finally,
the words involuntarily fell from his trembling lips.
"The Holy Salad Tongs...are in the Holy
Washing Machine. The-the rest, I do not know."
"Pray you do not lie," warned the albino
man. But inside, he cursed himself for not thinking of it
first.
"Do it!" Pike plead, tears streamed down his
leathery face. "Please kill me now, for I have betrayed my
faith."
A shot pierced through the night air. The
albino man walked back into the darkness, a hand buried in
his pants, violently scratching his rectal thrush and
limping away. Only one secret would be told this evening.
Brown Daniels walked the
Scottish Rite's temple halls nervously, gloved albino
hands clutching the Holy Salad Tongs.
"Ouch! you're hurting me!" the Holy Salad
Tongs whimpered, its tiny mouth unusually loud and shrill.
"Let me go, for I am not yet clean, or dry!"
"Silence, Holy Tongs! your lies have no
effect on me!"
But in fact, they did. Brown knew these were
the very tongs used by Christ at the last supper...and he
wondered if their supernatural powers could brace him for
the coming storm. Sweat dripping from his brow, he
approached the door of the Guardian. He kicked it in,
surprising two men within.
"The code is broken!" he cried. "The
Holy Salad Tongs are a mystery no more!"
The Guardian calmly assessed the
visitor. "What then, is the code?"
Triumphantly, Brown held the Tongs to
the questioner's face. He waited a few moments, then noticed an
uncomfortable silence.
"Tell him, damn you! Tell him!" Brown
looked at the Tongs plaintively, awaiting an answer that never came.
"I thought so" the Guardian said with a
chuckle. "They only talk when no one is around, I gather?"
"These tongs speak," Brown continued
nonetheless. "And I believe them. They prove Moses never met the
Pharaoh or parted the Red Sea, and that he lived a normal life as a
Jacuzzi salesman and bartender. The Holy Tongs say Jesus never
existed at all, and by extension, neither does it or any of us. Such
logic cannot be impugned!"
"What?" asked the youth in the room,
perplexed. "There is more evidence to support the existence of
Jesus, and his crucifixion, than there is for authors like like
Virgil, Cicero and Tacitus- men whom we base our accounts of ancient
history upon."
"Son, let us speak in private..." the
Guardian said, his face betraying a hint of displeasure at the
presence of intelligent discourse. "Let me walk you out."
The lad was airlifted from the room with
a mighty, toe-crunching boot kick.
"Your book's precious conjecture that
Jesus wasn't crucified, that he had children with Mary, then moved
to France; and thus became a royal blood lineage that exists to this
day serves tyranny well. What better way to perpetuate the unworthy
kingdoms of inbreds than to fool the world into believing the royal
families of Europe are direct descendants of Jesus of Nazareth?"
"You mean the Windsors and Tudors etc?"
"The same. Take Prince Charles. You
think those massive ears of his came from anything other than a
genetic mutation inherent in shallow gene pools?"
"Yeah. They are some pretty big-ass
ears. I'll bet he can hear you change your mind."
Pensively, he took a seat at his desk
and resumed the conversation.
"It is through us that kings rule. Not
just nobility now, but kings of industry and banking. However,
Christianity is a threat to our Ancient and Accepted Order, you know
this. We can no longer count on the Baptists or mainstream Christian
religions to embrace the superstitions, myths, mindless rituals and
concepts of
freemasonry... too many understand its
origins in Druidism and its embrace of scientific racism. Since
many of us in the Templar Order are atheists, or
anti-Christians; there is a danger that a revival of
Christianity could create a backlash against
secret societies like ours. What better way to stop this than to
suggest Christianity itself was a fraud from the beginning?"
Brown took a minute to absorb it all.
Then it struck him like a bolt of lightning.
"You mean the only reason you published
my book; the only reason you spent so much money on promoting an
unknown author, was because you thought it might bring more people
to question or attack Christianity?"
"Well, it did help that you are one of
us."
"I feel used, you jizz-spattering cock
goblin."
"Take comfort. Hollywood will embrace
your book, because Jews don't believe in Jesus either. You will be
compensated. Directors and actors in our order, like Tom Hanks and
Ron Howard,
have already embraced it."
"But Jews believe in Moses, and my
research proves conclusively he was just a Jacuzzi salesman and
bartender. Will they love my work then?"
The Guardian smiled, swung his scaly
tail, and walked away, saying nothing.
Next Installment, Chapter 2 "The Order
of the Knights of Vagisil"
