David Hogg PSA: “I’ll drop the anti-gun crusade if someone, anyone, takes my virginity!”

"I'm no longer a virgin, but boy does my ass hurt."

David Hogg has just released his latest PSA on a topic close to home: he will give up his crusade against schoolyard massacres, which we all can agree is not very polite gun etiquette, but only if someone, anyone, takes his virginity. “I just want to be touched by hands other than my own” he said through tears. I mean, look at me! My bony body and egg shaped head! I look like an alien grey!”

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Methinks I am a conspiracy theorist. Art thou? Thou block, thou stone, thou worse than senseless thing, for whilst thou slept didst this become a badge of honor. Informed dissent shall always prevail, wherefore art thou worthy, or art thou this unwholesome fool in the group conformity experiment herein?