Coulter a Scat-Sucking Gimp? Guilty

Like every book before it, the book is another tiresome rant about liberals. In fact, if you took out the word liberal it would be a flyer.

Since Ann Coulter hasn’t been making rounds promoting her upcoming book, many have wondered if it is really true she broke her jaw and had it wired shut, or if it was just a ruse, an excuse to keep her from saying something really stupid before the release date of Guilty and affecting sales. In regards to the latter, maybe she’d offer an earnest and straight-faced conjecture that the Three Wise Men were all Republicans.

She might further add they came bearing gifts of water-boarding manuals, extraordinary rendition vouchers to torture or kill Baby Jesus’ political enemies, and a copy of Coulter’s early work: Slander: Liberal Lies Against King Herod the Great. It could happen. Consider the video below, where her complete detachment from reality becomes so sickening in its absurdity she ad-libs a fictional account of the events surrounding Republican Mark Foley’s pedophile charges.

“Guilty. Wow. Another one word title and another cover with a smug Coulter in a black cocktail dress. How original. Lemmie see. There was Treason, no? and also Slander; where she diddles herself to Joe McCarthy. It’s like they used the same heavily airbrushed image from the Slander and Treason cover and just slapped on a different title. I mean, Guilty, Treason, Slander? Since they all have her on the cover, how about just calling it Fucktard? Joe Mahma, you do it,” I suggested.

“No. Eat me. You do it, Camille. I did it the last time.”

“Jaggie, what about you?”

“I just did a review. How about we pick straws?”

So we somberly picked straws, and I got the short straw. Here goes:

Like every book before it, the book is another tiresome rant about liberals. In fact, if you took out the word liberal it would be a flyer. In this case, it alleges a completely liberal media bias and some other predictable, wacky shit written by an idiot who sees everything in absolutes. In other words, Coulter doesn’t fail to deliver as a neurotic and predictable imbecile with the confused, paranoid reasoning of a palsied meth addict.

The solution to every problem posed is to place conservatives at the helm. Conservatives are the absolute representation of all that is good, moral, intelligent, and brave. The absolute of all that is liberal is all that is evil, cowardly, stupid, etc. If liberals were Jews, Coulter would be Hitler’s more racist and fanatical sister. But that’s just it. For all she talks about liberals, she doesn’t ever define exactly what they are. The closest we ever get to such a definition are those, of either party, who cross her or disagree with her.

I swear, I longed for a pop-up book within the first few pages because at least it made no secret of the fact it was written for children (and not particularly bright ones at that).

It’s exactly the kind of book of which Dorothy Parker might say “This is not a book to be brushed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

Even before I started reading, or read the cover or summary, I had a check list of what I would find in the book, and I was not too far off:

• Allegations or implications that the media created the Obama phenomenon? Check.
• Allegations and implications that a “leftist” media was giving Obama and Michelle a free pass only because they are black? Check.
• Assuming the Republicans, particularly George Bush, had no role in the economic downturn, and if they did have one, it was because of the obstructionist Democrats? Check.
• Assuming people who think she’s completely full of shit are exclusively Democrats and hippie liberals, and not an exponentially growing chorus of conservatives, independents, progressives, moderates, etc., unified by a common contempt for the hypocrisy and ignorance she personifies? Check.
• Penning ideas so jaw-droppingly idiotic you find yourself reading them over again to see if she actually wrote them? Check.

As usual, Coulter writes an entire book fatally undermined by the implication that everyone who disagrees with her is not only wrong but a moron. She’s a rabid self-caricature that can mock the suffering of 9-11 widows, and suggest they have grown rich by exploiting the deaths of their loved ones because their shelf-life is expiring. That’s wit?

For starters, no one has exploited those deaths more than she has. Coulter has used the deaths of those 3,000 Americans to justify the internment of dissidents under John Ashcroft, to joke of invading countries that are not Christian or not our “allies” in the war on “terror”, terrorist countries like Canada. She has used those deaths to justify, and even promote the torture of American citizens held in Gitmo. And this exploitation of those 9-11 deaths she blames on widows whom, unlike Coulter, never sold books to profit there from, nor sought to.

Besides, I don’t know where you come from, but from where I come from it’s kicking widows when they’re down. Despite this, a so-called liberal media she attacks never really took her to task for this manifest depravity. They never gave those 9-11 widows 1/1000 of the air time and free publicity Coulter got in that imbroglio to plead their case. Why? because the mainstream media agreed with Coulter, particularly FOX and the conservative radio propaganda behemoth that is Clear Channel. If there was bias, and indeed there was, it consistently favored Coulter.

Because she deals in absolutes, just about everything Coulter writes in the book would make her hero Ronald Reagan a moron, because even Reagan knew that to win over “liberals” he had to listen to them, and fashion his message in such a way as to make it feasible and acceptable to them. Coulter sees this as weakness and cowardice, something only a moron would do. Compromise is the “C” word to her. Speaking of the “C” word, Coulter may be the most vulgar of all.

There is a sad phenomenon in literature that’s as old as the written word. People will read shit like Coulter not to learn anything new, but to reinforce pre-existing prejudices or validate their basest impulses and irrationalities. They want an echo, and nothing more. And in the massive hollow that is Coulter’s empty skull, they will always find one. Granted, the paradigm does make money, and does sell books. But you don’t give medals to crack dealers, whom also make a pretty penny by ruining minds.

If I were to say everything Democrats do is morally and intellectually impeccable, I’d be no better than Coulter. And yet, I see people on the left who do this, and they will meet the same fate as Coulter. Injustice colored blue or red is still injustice, as is corruption. Thankfully, most Americans realize both parties are criminally symbiotic, and see them with the skepticism they deserve. Right now the pendulum has swung to the left, and may even swing to the polar opposite of ’94, when age was less cruel to Coulter; when her own shelf-life was not expired by a century. Why do I bring this up? because the return of moderate ideology, let alone liberal, it is the death knell of her career, and good riddance.

Back to the book.

Think of the dumbest thing you ever heard, something so dumb even children would laugh at its absurdity. Think of something so dumb that if a thesis it could be the punch line of a “yo momma so stupid” joke. For example, if you were to write a joke that went “yo momma so stupid she thinks [add Coulter thesis here]” you would still get a laugh. That, my friend, is what the book is rife with. It is dripping with stupid.

Now consider what happens when you take that dumb ass thesis and stretch it into a book. Running down every idiotic premise is exhausting, and of the most glaring and misinformed or misleading arguments you will find in the book, the worst will not be that:

• The media is biased towards “liberals” and polluted by a treacherous media elite.
• Nor that the country’s moral standing in the world is in grave danger because Democrats are in charge, as if Obama gave us Gitmo.
• Nor that Obama got where he is not on merit or by his oratory gifts, but by some mysterious form of affirmative action and conspiracy of international papers and news sources.

The most absurd proposition of all is that Ann Coulter is an intellectual and wit.

Let us now return to the courtroom, shall we? The jury has returned, and the verdicts are in:

• Five counts of writing a shitty ass book, i.e. Guilty, Treason, Slander, and If Democrats Were Smart, they’d Be Republicans: Guilty
• Five counts of getting a free pass on the same “liberal media” she attacks simply because she is a ditzy blonde: Guilty
• Five counts of mistaking the Socratic Method for a form of birth control: Guilty.

The sentence has been handed down: Ann Coulter shall live the rest of her life wealthy but will die obscure, and tortured with the fact she is a fraud, an unoriginal hack, and a tool of the right. One may at least take some comfort in the fact that she can’t reproduce. If she could, that doesn’t mean her offspring would be as stupid as her. But it appears nature has decided not to take that chance, and for that we should celebrate.