"It's hard enough being homeless, I have endured a lot of insults, but 'Michael Moore called-- he wants his clothes back!' That's just low, man. We didn't ask for this."Michael Moore, a morbidly obese millionaire and darling of media elites, was recently spotted stealing clothing from a homeless veteran while filming a documentary on his life as an anorexic pole dancer and single black mother.
By Independent Press|December 11th, 20162017-01-02T01:15:42+00:00
Dr. Pepe Le Frogg announced today that Hillary's alter personality has been identified as a Russian spy named Agent Govniuk, a self-destructive splinter of her personality that loves to sabotage her life. Govniuk is Russian for a very naughty word, incidentally. This incredibly self-destructive alter, when in control, made sure she ran while under a criminal FBI investigation. It made sure she rigged the primary and sabotaged Bernie Sanders' campaign and lost his supporters when they found out. It was responsible for her calling half of Americans racist, deplorables, irredeemables, xenophobes, and sexists. Because "Agent Govniuk" blames everyone else for her mistakes, she cannot self-correct, so she continuously fails no matter how much she is assisted by political operatives and donors.
By Independent Press|December 9th, 20162017-01-08T19:43:13+00:00
An embittered Hillary Clinton emerged today to blast the malicious and dangerous "fake news" that got her hopes up by proclaiming her certain win. "All of you who got my hopes up need to take the blame... Why did you play me like that? Why did you so cruelly make my win appear so certain, only to have it taken from my grasp? You in the media with your fake news of sunny days ahead destroyed me emotionally and politically. These burns on my lips, that's on you fuckers, you got me sucking on a tail pipe this morning to improve my outlook."
By Independent Press|December 6th, 20162016-12-30T07:01:59+00:00
Amy Schumer is in early talks to star in Sony’s live-action “Barbie” film, sources tell Variety.The original idea and screenplay is by Hilary Winston, although it is expected that Schumer and her sister, Kim Caramele, will rewrite.
By Independent Press|December 4th, 20162017-01-08T19:50:28+00:00
After a withering attack for eating a burrito without their consent, Donald Trump ordered a giant 6 foot burrito and appointed it Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself CNN. "He's appropriating a cultural heritage," cried CNN's Don Lemon as his panel nodded grimly. "It's dangerous and likely to exacerbate racial tensions." Never one to shy away from controversy, PEOTUS Donald Trump immediately got himself a taco bowl, and washed the meal down with a vintage 2016 bottle of Rachel Maddow's election night tears.
By Independent Press|December 1st, 20162016-12-27T00:47:13+00:00
Funk legend George Clinton announced plans to head a "Safe Space" college campus tour in 2017 to highlight the suffering of affluent kids traumatized by belief systems outside their world view. Here he is in rehearsal.DEVELOPING
By Independent Press|November 30th, 20162016-12-24T16:11:06+00:00
In a surprising development, crazed Green Party candidate Jill Stein called for a recount of her 10,984 pit hairs in hopes that it could somehow influence the electoral college and flip the election. Catatonic Clinton volunteers, still in grief and shock, had already counted the hairs twice in a painfully mistaken belief they could use them to replace the ballots in Michigan."The hairy Green bitch lied to us!" cried a rueful Rose Pudenda. "I have arthritis and I can't afford this aggravation. It took me five minutes to flip her the bird."
By Independent Press|November 29th, 20162016-12-20T12:59:26+00:00
Avert your eyes, my friends, beware a brilliance blinding to the naked eye. Few have ever been so ridiculously wrong, so many times, and still managed to keep their jobs and dignity without at least a self-immolation or two.
By Independent Press|November 27th, 20162016-12-19T00:28:11+00:00
In the meantime, because fire trucks have unique anatomical features, it is only fair to have have public restaurants, schools, government buildings , etc., modify their bathrooms into fire stations to accommodate my special needs, such as my ladder.
By Independent Press|November 26th, 20162016-12-18T23:57:48+00:00
Here's an interesting experiment: bend your arm, palm facing outwards. Beat the back of your hand against your chest repeatedly as you jerk your head back and forth. This is what you look like when you quote Snopes as an authority. Here they are, in fact, the geniuses behind Snopes "fact checking" scam.