Media Erupts After Trump Eats a Burrito Without Their Permission

After a withering attack for eating a burrito without their consent, Donald Trump ordered a giant 6 foot burrito and appointed it Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself CNN. “He’s appropriating a cultural heritage,” cried CNN’s Don Lemon as his panel nodded grimly. “It’s dangerous and likely to exacerbate racial tensions.” Never one to shy away from controversy, PEOTUS Donald Trump immediately got himself a taco bowl, and washed the meal down with a vintage 2016 bottle of Rachel Maddow’s election night tears.

Jill Stein Demands Pit Hair Recount

In a surprising development, crazed Green Party candidate Jill Stein called for a recount of her 10,984 pit hairs in hopes that it could somehow influence the electoral college and flip the election. Catatonic Clinton volunteers, still in grief and shock, had already counted the hairs twice in a painfully mistaken belief they could use them to replace the ballots in Michigan.

“The hairy Green bitch lied to us!” cried a rueful Rose Pudenda. “I have arthritis and I can’t afford this aggravation. It took me five minutes to flip her the bird.”

OPERATION RAMBLING HAG Update: Gen. Martha Radditz Captured

ISIS  “Micro-aggression” Catches Radditz by Surprise. At the Trump and Clinton debate on October 19th, 2016, ABC’s Martha Radditz proposed a new Allepo strategy. She actually began to debate Trump on Hillary’s behalf to show off her prowess in war games and military history or as some wag noted “to run for president herself.” She argued it’s sometimes a good idea to telegraph intended targets weeks ahead against basic military doctrine (never strike without the element of surprise). The Pentagon was so impressed with this unconventional brilliance they made her a general and put her in charge of fighting ISIS.

No “Safe Space” After Post-Debate Traumatic Stress Disorder

So Hillary  went on Ellen to share a little about her Post-Debate Traumatic Stress Disorder from the battering she got on October 9. She said Donald was “dominating” and “invaded her space.” She said, essentially, “I am a feeble old woman that has yet to process the loss of my ‘safe space.'” Yeah. We need a strong leader like that, because other leaders will respect her “safe space” when launching nukes. This is exactly the kind of weakness and cowardice Americans detest and plays right into the “women are too emotional and weak to lead” stereotype. Think Margaret Thatcher would pull this pathetic nonsense?

Hillary: “Putin put unsecured private server in my basement.”

As a result of this insidious deed, Hillary received and shared top secret emails with staff, endangered American lives, and became the subject of a criminal FBI investigation wherein she barely escaped indictment.

According to Hillary, "I attempted to prevent Putin from installing this nefarious contraption and a gun battle ensued, killing several Secret Service agents."

Putin Stole My Dildo

When a pathological liar like Hillary calls anyone dishonest he is assumed honest by default. It is the boy who cried wolf effect. If her mouth is open, she is lying, and even if she is talking in her sleep she doesn't take a break. It wouldn't even help if you sewed her mouth shut, she would carry a white board and learn sign language to lie some more. Maybe Ben Carson or Jesse Jackson, who praised him for a lifetime of minority outreach and support, are both in the KKK as Hillary implies, I don't know, but it's great to see the Klan's black outreach program is working like a charm!

Hillary Breaks Local Venue Attendance Record

Soon after the building of a local venue a day prior, HRC was able to pack it for the first time. The record was broken when two people managed to fit inside the phone booth as a young Trump supporter, looking for a quarter to put in a parking meter nearby, looked in the phone tray and then left when he found nothing. Or rather, he tried to.

As Hillary blocked his exit to continue her speech to an unenthused audience, the young man politely humored her before a coughing fit finally cut her speech short.

SPLC Declares Hitler Cat Racist!

The ADL has just declared the popular cat meme "Hitler Cat" is racist and must be removed from the net. The meme, which is often seen in uploaded images of cats with Hitler-like mustaches in silly positions or with captions, is now alleged to be a "tacit homage to Adolf Hitler" and a "dog whistle" to "racist Trump supporters."

Study: Use of the Term “Conspiracy Theorist” Higher in Ignorant Assholes

Group conformity experiments have long revealed it, but now science confirms a strong correlation between an over-use of the term “conspiracy theorist” and “neurotic, ignorant assholes.” Scientists at Stanford University noted that:

“We’ve found most people don’t live in a binary world so when someone mocks your capacity for critical thinking, it’s not a plus for the antagonizing speaker or writer. Why we find neurosis is because core elements in this behavior are distress and anxiety. Most people don’t need their personal reality seconded, or usually humored, by everyone they see.”

Jeff Bezos Accidentally Swallows Hillary’s Sputum, Enters Demonic Portal

Hillary Clinton's press tampon Jeff "Crazy Eyes" Bezos, a billionaire Clinton Foundation donor, was in the middle of spinning the latest fiasco in the Clinton campaign when, thirsty, he drank from a nearby glass of water on a podium. It proved to be a most unfortunate mistake.

Bezos, the owner of The Washington Post, has been put in charge of starting a war with Russia to keep the elites rich in case the dollar implodes at the end of the year.

Hillary Regrets “basket of deplorables” Comment, Meant to Call Americans “basketcase peasant cocksuckers”

After a fierce backlash from Trump supporters and political handlers watching Hillary implode in a spectacular psychological controlled demolition, Hillary made a quick retraction to explain the gaffe.

"Look, I was wrong. I truly regret I called anyone a basket of deplorables. That is not what I meant to say. What I meant to say is that his supporters are basketcase peasant cocksuckers."

After rumors emerged that she was calling Donna Brazile, an African American, a "brown cow" and throwing a glass at aides after a disastrous Commander in Chief forum, Hillary has begun her charm offensive in earnest.