Satire

Trump Offers Photographic Proof of Election Meddling, Putin Silent

A stern President Trump met with President Vladimir at the G20 with irrefutable proof of Russian election meddling. "You put Debbie Wasserman-Schultz up to rigging the primary. Can you deny this is you celebrating with Debbie, Podesta, and Mook after you heard Rich died? Didn't you rig the primaries against Bernie so you could continue with more uranium deals after you managed to get 20% of ours with Hillary? You secretly wanted her to win. It was the perfect set up. You continued to pay her through the Clinton Foundation and more deals would be made to undermine our nuclear deterrent. Podesta would be Secretary of State and he already had business worth 35 million in Russia. You're busted, Mr. Putin."President Putin was speechless, and hung down his head in shame. "It was Podesta the Molesta's idea."

The Mar-a-Lago Incident: Behind the Scenes with Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, Psycho Joe and Trump

Trump suddenly dropped his fork and winced as he glanced at a growing red stain on the tablecloth."Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, hey, the table! Oh come on! REALLY, Mika? Really? Go home! Your face-lift is bleeding all over  the table! We're trying to eat here!"Worse, not too long ago it was a bunch of creepy texts from Psycho Joe to the President, but this is a bit of an escalation. "Cry for help maybe?" the agent asked.

MIT Animal Communication Device Reveals Surprise Whale Concern

A new MIT project hoping to produce an animal to human communication device has succeeded in creating a new language framework common to humans and whales. The first messages regarding the tragic whale beachings around the world were stunning. "The mass suicides evident in the beachings, " said one, "are mostly due to constantly being compared to Amy Schumer. Mental health care in the whale community is very poor, and such trauma can become emotionally lethal. One despondent whale said "You humans can be total dicks. Yeah, we get it, we taste good to some, got that ambergris thing going on, and we expect to be mindlessly killed for it from time to time. But that verbal abuse is constant. We surf the web and all we see is 'Amy Schumer is a whale' which clearly implies we are mean-spirited, unfunny, and politically naive as that woman. We have enough problems  with our self-image and weight problems, you fat shaming motherfuckers."

In Brief: Pocahontas Rises from Dead to Sue Trump for Liz Warren Comparison

In a stunning development today, Native American legend Pocahontas rose from the dead in zombie form to file a lawsuit against President Donald Trump for defamation of character. "He has consistently compared Sen. Elizabeth Warren to me and I find that very hurtful and cruel. 'Warren Face' or 'Ages With Warren' is now a common taunt I must face among the dimmer circles. Mean little boys don cheap granny glasses and poke their fingers in the air to taunt the skinny girls, saying things like 'I'm Warren Face Sacajawea' or something.  I'm not even blonde, none of us are! No one likes to be compared to that yammering spinster and fraud."

Washington Post Exposes Trump’s Top Secret DARPA/CERN Time Travel Project

The Washington Post bravely risks it all to reveal that by 2016, Donald Trump used his access to Gen. Michael Flynn to quietly direct DARPA, then in secret works with CERN in Switzerland, to commission the first  time machine ever constructed.  Billions had been spent on Project Icarus Rex by DARPA alone. A handful of Swiss and American scientists had initially planned to intervene in a past timeline to prevent World War Three, prevent the African famines, etc. As for President Trump, his first stop was World War Two, but he wasn't there to stop Hitler. Trump was there to "talk shit about Anne Frank and challenge her to an epic rap battle."

In Brief: Secret Service Releases Morning Joe’s Creepy Texts to President Trump

The Secret Service has just released a troubling series of long rambling texts to the President by Morning Joe Scarborough, the beta male in the morning show with Mika Beserkski.

Nancy Pelosi Cites Spoof “Trump’s Time Machine” Book in Call for Impeachment

You may find the original article here.

McCain Claims Russia Worse Than ISIS, Mumbles Obscenities, Shits Himself

"I know, I helped create ISIS to topple Assad and bring down Iran. I'm tired of people saying I am senile, it is not fair. Do I sound ill to you? Not even my doctor questions my ability to eat my bicycles. You are all a bunch of shoe boxes, you make me want to silverware. Fuckers."

Ignorant, Senile Bastard Decries “Hostile” Media Portrayal

Warhawk, songbird and Lindsey Graham life partner John McCain declared this morning that Russian President Vladimir Putin is a Russian sympathizer and possibly a spy, citing a trusted source he obtained from gay dating app Grindr.

McCain and Graham Demand Trump Release Tax Returns, Dick Pix

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By |May 1st, 2017|Categories: In Brief, Independent Press, Satire||

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IN BRIEF: Chelsea Handler Introduces Tube Sock Line Modeled After Her Breasts

News in brief.