An embittered Hillary Clinton emerged today to blast the malicious and dangerous "fake news" that got her hopes up by proclaiming her certain win. "All of you who got my hopes up need to take the blame... Why did you play me like that? Why did you so cruelly make my win appear so certain, only to have it taken from my grasp? You in the media with your fake news of sunny days ahead destroyed me emotionally and politically. These burns on my lips, that's on you fuckers, you got me sucking on a tail pipe this morning to improve my outlook."
By Independent Press|December 6th, 20162016-12-30T07:01:59+00:00
Amy Schumer is in early talks to star in Sony’s live-action “Barbie” film, sources tell Variety.The original idea and screenplay is by Hilary Winston, although it is expected that Schumer and her sister, Kim Caramele, will rewrite.
By Independent Press|December 4th, 20162017-01-23T21:25:56+00:00
After a withering attack for eating a burrito without their consent, Donald Trump ordered a giant 6 foot burrito and appointed it Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself CNN. "He's appropriating a cultural heritage," cried CNN's Don Lemon as his panel nodded grimly. "It's dangerous and likely to exacerbate racial tensions." Never one to shy away from controversy, PEOTUS Donald Trump immediately got himself a taco bowl, and washed the meal down with a vintage 2016 bottle of Rachel Maddow's election night tears.
By Independent Press|December 1st, 20162016-12-27T00:47:13+00:00
Funk legend George Clinton announced plans to head a "Safe Space" college campus tour in 2017 to highlight the suffering of affluent kids traumatized by belief systems outside their world view. Here he is in rehearsal.DEVELOPING
By Independent Press|November 30th, 20162016-12-24T16:11:06+00:00
In a surprising development, crazed Green Party candidate Jill Stein called for a recount of her 10,984 pit hairs in hopes that it could somehow influence the electoral college and flip the election. Catatonic Clinton volunteers, still in grief and shock, had already counted the hairs twice in a painfully mistaken belief they could use them to replace the ballots in Michigan."The hairy Green bitch lied to us!" cried a rueful Rose Pudenda. "I have arthritis and I can't afford this aggravation. It took me five minutes to flip her the bird."
By Independent Press|November 29th, 20162017-02-01T18:23:17+00:00
Avert your eyes, my friends, beware a brilliance blinding to the naked eye. Few have ever been so ridiculously wrong, so many times, and still managed to keep their jobs and dignity without at least a self-immolation or two.
By Independent Press|November 27th, 20162016-12-19T00:28:11+00:00
In the meantime, because fire trucks have unique anatomical features, it is only fair to have have public restaurants, schools, government buildings , etc., modify their bathrooms into fire stations to accommodate my special needs, such as my ladder.
By Independent Press|November 26th, 20162016-12-18T23:57:48+00:00
Here's an interesting experiment: bend your arm, palm facing outwards. Beat the back of your hand against your chest repeatedly as you jerk your head back and forth. This is what you look like when you quote Snopes as an authority. Here they are, in fact, the geniuses behind Snopes "fact checking" scam.
By Independent Press|November 19th, 20162016-12-08T23:53:42+00:00
Former Miss Universe and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took time off from beating the shit out of Robbie Mook and John Podesta to make a rare post-election appearance. Her disarming beauty was enough to make her fiercest enemies reconsider their enmity and in some cases, pen love letters to the failed presidential candidate.
By Independent Press|November 15th, 20162017-03-17T19:00:23+00:00
ISIS “Micro-aggression” Catches Radditz by Surprise. At the Trump and Clinton debate on October 19th, 2016, ABC’s Martha Radditz proposed a new Allepo strategy. She actually began to debate Trump on Hillary’s behalf to show off her prowess in war games and military history or as some wag noted “to run for president herself.” She argued it’s sometimes a good idea to telegraph intended targets weeks ahead against basic military doctrine (never strike without the element of surprise). The Pentagon was so impressed with this unconventional brilliance they made her a general and put her in charge of fighting ISIS.
By Independent Press|November 14th, 20162016-12-27T21:19:03+00:00
A dapper Michael Michael Moore visits Trump Tower to demand a cheese pizza. The aesthetically-challenged George Soros dropping also asked for a hot dog before being escorted out the door with several kicks.
By Independent Press|October 29th, 20162017-03-20T15:01:51+00:00
Very annoying man's body language, continued. Guess... from the brows, quivering lips, expressive, widened eyes... it is clear that this is joy! yes, joy! relief! complete relief there will be no espionage charges or indictment! Here's the look on that Maddow dude when news came of the FBI reopening of the email investigation...
By Independent Press|October 20th, 20162016-12-19T00:35:23+00:00
In a memorable culinary-themed fashion statement to close the debate, Hillary Clinton served up a new Gucci pant suit to wow undecided voters. The spiffy ensemble will certainly be remembered as she presented the national audience with an artfully garnished, steaming plate of bullshit peppered with a dash of inanity and tears.
By Independent Press|October 15th, 20162017-03-07T23:16:46+00:00
So Hillary went on Ellen to share a little about her Post-Debate Traumatic Stress Disorder from the battering she got on October 9. She said Donald was "dominating" and "invaded her space." She said, essentially, "I am a feeble old woman that has yet to process the loss of my 'safe space.'" Yeah. We need a strong leader like that, because other leaders will respect her "safe space" when launching nukes. This is exactly the kind of weakness and cowardice Americans detest and plays right into the "women are too emotional and weak to lead" stereotype. Think Margaret Thatcher would pull this pathetic nonsense?
By Independent Press|October 11th, 20162017-03-07T22:41:49+00:00
As a result of this insidious deed, Hillary received and shared top secret emails with staff, endangered American lives, and became the subject of a criminal FBI investigation wherein she barely escaped indictment.According to Hillary, "I attempted to prevent Putin from installing this nefarious contraption and a gun battle ensued, killing several Secret Service agents."
By Independent Press|October 7th, 20162017-01-02T19:33:03+00:00
When a pathological liar like Hillary calls anyone dishonest he is assumed honest by default. It is the boy who cried wolf effect. If her mouth is open, she is lying, and even if she is talking in her sleep she doesn't take a break. It wouldn't even help if you sewed her mouth shut, she would carry a white board and learn sign language to lie some more. Maybe Ben Carson or Jesse Jackson, who praised him for a lifetime of minority outreach and support, are both in the KKK as Hillary implies, I don't know, but it's great to see the Klan's black outreach program is working like a charm!
By Independent Press|October 6th, 20162016-12-20T23:12:34+00:00
By Independent Press|October 5th, 20162016-12-02T23:58:33+00:00
As if that would be surprising.
By Independent Press|October 2nd, 20162016-12-19T00:38:08+00:00
Soon after the building of a local venue a day prior, HRC was able to pack it for the first time. The record was broken when two people managed to fit inside the phone booth as a young Trump supporter, looking for a quarter to put in a parking meter nearby, looked in the phone tray and then left when he found nothing. Or rather, he tried to.As Hillary blocked his exit to continue her speech to an unenthused audience, the young man politely humored her before a coughing fit finally cut her speech short.
By Independent Press|September 29th, 20162017-03-24T21:06:42+00:00
The ADL has just declared the popular cat meme "Hitler Cat" is racist and must be removed from the net. The meme, which is often seen in uploaded images of cats with Hitler-like mustaches in silly positions or with captions, is now alleged to be a "tacit homage to Adolf Hitler" and a "dog whistle" to "racist Trump supporters."
By Independent Press|September 13th, 20162017-03-20T15:01:52+00:00
Group conformity experiments have long revealed it, but now science confirms a strong correlation between an over-use of the term "conspiracy theorist" and "neurotic, ignorant assholes." Scientists at Stanford University noted that:"We've found most people don't live in a binary world so when someone mocks your capacity for critical thinking, it's not a plus for the antagonizing speaker or writer. Why we find neurosis is because core elements in this behavior are distress and anxiety. Most people don't need their personal reality seconded, or usually humored, by everyone they see."