So I get to ma’s house and she’s already got the dogs cooked up, and fucking pork and beans, and the whole bit. A real Christmas dinner. We commence the chow. As I sit there, getting my grub on, the door swings open. I about shit myself. “ARE WE READY TO PARTY??” Frankie yelled. “Brotha… how long you been out of the joint, man?” I asked. “About a half an hour dude… you ready to fucking party??”
This is fucking nuts, I thought, I dont even have a goddamn job. My fucking P.O. Would probably have a goddamn heart attack if he heard this latest shit. I can’t believe it. Me and Cheryl, we been together since high school, and I love her and everything, but fuck, we cant have another kid.
First, I gotta tell you about some shit that went down at the hospital down in Cali. Doctor motherfuckers always piss me off. I have always fucking hated em. They are like fucken teachers in white coats, dude. Pussies. And assholes. They fuck with me almost as much as the pigs, and they think they are all cool and shit cause they wear that shit on their fucken ears to hear shit and have a goddamn lightbulb on their head. Fucking pussy motherfuckers. I hate doctors.
So I am trying to figure out some places to go. Where can a partying man like myself find some weed? Where are the cops gonna lay off my shit, and mind their own fucking business. I couldn’t think of nothing. The pussy ass faggot state of Cali can’t handle the MM anymore, and I gots to go. I was thinking of goin down south, to like Compton or Englewood or something, but a white boy can’t blend in around there.
A few minutes later, his punk ass dad rolls up. “I would like you to please not harass my son like that”, he says. I laughed, and said “I would like to you suck a fart out of my ass, you punk bitch” and pushed him.
“You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me.” That’s what I said when Cheryl first said some bullshit about me needing anger counseling. “Fuck you, bitch” I said, “that fucking pisses me off that you would even say that”.
So anyways, I sets out to find me a job. Nothin big, just somethin to shut her stupid ass up. I headed over to Intel man, to apply for their shit. I figure fuck, bro, I am in internet columnist, and they do internet shit there. I strolled in. Some wannabee cop motherfucker stopped me at the door. “Do you have a badge, sir?” He asked..
I mean, at first he seemed like an ok, dude ya know? Fucking long hair, not the ‘mullet’ or whatever you fucks call it, but long, drives a cougar, gold chains, you know, the fucker has style, I had to admit it. When I said that, Jeremy just kind of looked at me funny and looked over at his bitch and yelled ‘YOUR TEAM’ whatever that means.
I met up with some army dudes, and told them my plan. They started laughin and shit. I told those preppy fucks to watch their back. They didnt think I could get saddam. I told them to make room in thier tent for a fuckin body. People just dont have faith in my skills anymore. The dudes gave me an old flak jacket and a beat up M-16 that jams up. “Thanks guys” I said, as I rode my camel away. I love the army, dude. I traveled across the desert, and I asked some hodgees where saddam was, and they pretended like they didn’t know.
Having my own website is the shit. Ain’t no other motherfucker that has shit like that in Walnut grove.. they aint even got any computers here, thats why people around here fuck with me. They dont know yet. But check out my site. Unless you’re a pig. I know the pigs will be checkin my shit, especially when I get a warrant. The pigs will fuck with me…
So I asks him: “You think I can’t afford a fucken value meal dude? IS THAT IT… Oh, its a big and tasty for the broke motherfucker, right? FUCK THAT SHIT PUNK”. He started tremblin. I could see the fear in his punk ass.
If ignorance is bliss, why is Ann Coulter so bitter?