Satire

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January 2017

Council of Uninformed Neurotic Television Stars (CUNTS) Finally Changes Name

By |January 15th, 2017

But it's still unwatchable.

MI6 REPORT: ISIS and McCain Exchanged “Dirty Sanchez” for Fake Trump Dossier

By |January 11th, 2017

A former MI6 official, who wishes to remain anonymous, alleges that Sen. John McCain is the person responsible for giving the FBI the discredited "Golden Showers" Trump dossier, which was covered in The Guardian. This "leak" was met with a flurry of new accusations of secret stings wherein British spooks note he exchanged a "dirty Sanchez" with BuzzFeed editor and lover Ben Smith. The slang refers to a most unwholesome sex act where a partner having anal sex removes his penis from the anus and smears his lover's lip with feces and semen.

BREAKING: Hillary Runs for President of Own Fan Club, Manages to Lose by Landslide

By |January 7th, 2017

"People hate me!"

Suicide Prevention Counselors Urge Don Lemon to Kill Himself

By |January 6th, 2017

"This is certainly not the way we were brought up, saying this to you, but we don't think we are evil in saying it. We strongly suggest, say, eating a nice, caramelized bucket of broken glass, washed down with a refreshing, chilled glass of Prestone anti-freeze. We recommend cliff diving in Acapulco, with a practice run from a hotel roof. Shaving with a chainsaw was also suggested by our focus group, provided it was done in the dark, on a trampoline. An ear piercing with a jackhammer was another favored suggestion, and my personal one, as well."

Spy Agencies Reveal State Entity Who Most Influenced Trump’s Win

By |January 3rd, 2017

"It was this moron," said Director of National Intelligence Haywood Jablowme as he pointed to a slide of Hillary Clinton at a press conference earlier today. "That is the key state entity most responsible for influencing the election to favor President Trump. Putin didn't tell her to run while under an FBI criminal investigation, or to call half of America irredeemables, deplorables, racists, sexists... The media narrative is that if only people didn't know she was so corrupt and inept, she would have won. It's as asinine as saying that if only people didn't know the water was poisoned, we would have taken a drink and died, acting as if this was the logical desired outcome. So the impartial watchdogs who warned us of a clear and present danger are to be condemned? Fuck you."

“Putin dropped me repeatedly at birth,” Hacked DNC Emails with “Axe”

By |January 2nd, 2017

Political herpes Hillary Clinton, a crippling national embarrassment that just won't go away, flared up again today as she finally came to terms with her intellectual deficits and leadership disasters by acknowledging they did exist and were a problem, but that Russian leader Vladimir Putin was responsible for her affliction.She chimed in again today to attack Russia with unsubstantiated hacker claims, adding that if she sounds a trifle less astute in the geopolitical arena than John Kerry, Russian FM Sergei Lagrov, or most mammals in general, it is because Putin used a time machine to travel back to 1869 and drop her repeatedly at birth."This nefarious Russian conspiracy was designed to undermine my presidential campaign, and Putin has been caught red-handed as we know for a fact he owns a DeLorean like the one in Back to the Future."

December 2016

BREAKING: Beached Blue Whale Identified as Lena Dunham

By |December 26th, 2016

After reports of a beached blue whale surfaced earlier this morning, local wildlife officials were relieved to find that it was only “that drunk fat bitch Lena Dunham, who apparently, beached herself when attempting to obtain ‘an abortion for shits and giggles.'”This was to clarify an earlier statement where she said “Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.”Mermaids don’t give birth like humans, but leave thousands of eggs.At press time, cranes had yet to arrive to push her back into the sea.

SJWs Hateth Me!

By |December 24th, 2016

Verily, it dost seem special snowflakes hath been triggered by mine awesome legacy and shadow. Even I tremble, and I am he. Behold this article at the National Review:"U Penn Removes Shakespeare Portrait Because He Does Not Represent ‘Diversity’" And I, The Bard was replaced with a portrait of a black lesbian poet few doth know about, and verily I wandered far and wide to find someone who heard of her. Who is this woman? Thou mayest often find the answer at the local eatery near U Penn. Whenst the middle-aged cashier asketh unto thee "Do you want fries with that?" inquire of the timeless mystery that is Audre Lourde.

Hillary, Show Us Where the Bad, Bad Putin Touched You

By |December 19th, 2016

So you feel violated? Did someone exercise their right to vote for someone other than yourself? The hell you say! Not  in MY country! Did someone reveal the sobering truth about you and confirm the undecided voter's worst fears? Oh, hell no! You want Congress to investigate, or attack Russia? Eh, slow down, sparky. Unfortunately, for you at least, that's how elections work. I see you pointed at the doll's head. Is that the place where those bad, bad voters made you feel like a sore fucking loser?

PeePee-Leaks! Hillary Blames Putin for Leaking Her Bladder

By |December 18th, 2016

Citing an anonymous CIA source, twice failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton peed herself earlier today at a gathering laying out the true reasons for her loss. News later emerged that the Russians were somehow responsible for leaking the full contents of her bladder before she could finish her speech. This time Russian leader Vladimir "The Bladder Whisperer" Putin did take the blame and said her vesica, a double agent, was "always a faithful leaker."

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