An embittered Hillary Clinton emerged today to blast the malicious and dangerous "fake news" that got her hopes up by proclaiming her certain win. "All of you who got my hopes up need to take the blame... Why did you play me like that? Why did you so cruelly make my win appear so certain, only to have it taken from my grasp? You in the media with your fake news of sunny days ahead destroyed me emotionally and politically. These burns on my lips, that's on you fuckers, you got me sucking on a tail pipe this morning to improve my outlook."
By Independent Press|December 4th, 20162017-01-08T19:50:28+00:00
After a withering attack for eating a burrito without their consent, Donald Trump ordered a giant 6 foot burrito and appointed it Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself CNN. "He's appropriating a cultural heritage," cried CNN's Don Lemon as his panel nodded grimly. "It's dangerous and likely to exacerbate racial tensions." Never one to shy away from controversy, PEOTUS Donald Trump immediately got himself a taco bowl, and washed the meal down with a vintage 2016 bottle of Rachel Maddow's election night tears.
By Independent Press|November 30th, 20162016-12-24T16:11:06+00:00
In a surprising development, crazed Green Party candidate Jill Stein called for a recount of her 10,984 pit hairs in hopes that it could somehow influence the electoral college and flip the election. Catatonic Clinton volunteers, still in grief and shock, had already counted the hairs twice in a painfully mistaken belief they could use them to replace the ballots in Michigan."The hairy Green bitch lied to us!" cried a rueful Rose Pudenda. "I have arthritis and I can't afford this aggravation. It took me five minutes to flip her the bird."
By Independent Press|November 26th, 20162016-12-18T23:57:48+00:00
Here's an interesting experiment: bend your arm, palm facing outwards. Beat the back of your hand against your chest repeatedly as you jerk your head back and forth. This is what you look like when you quote Snopes as an authority. Here they are, in fact, the geniuses behind Snopes "fact checking" scam.
By Independent Press|November 23rd, 20162016-12-30T00:59:49+00:00
In regards to the Hollywood and DC child sex rings, damage control makes the elite defend the indefensible: pedophilia. A two-year old article reflects the framing of the scandal as it first appeared. Incidentally, to the pervert who wrote this at the NYT, Margo Kaplan, pedophilia is indeed a crime and you might want to look into the law books to see just how serious it is. "Pedophilia is a Disorder, Not a Crime" just won't fly in the courts or with anyone that's ever been molested or raped as a child.
By Independent Press|November 22nd, 20162017-01-19T17:34:24+00:00
Because 59 witnesses would have to conspire to present the same consistent account, the most ridiculous and obvious conspiracy theory of all is coming from the Lone Gunman Conspiracy Theorists.
By Independent Press|November 19th, 20162016-12-08T23:53:42+00:00
Former Miss Universe and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took time off from beating the shit out of Robbie Mook and John Podesta to make a rare post-election appearance. Her disarming beauty was enough to make her fiercest enemies reconsider their enmity and in some cases, pen love letters to the failed presidential candidate.
By Independent Press|November 17th, 20162016-12-13T20:14:35+00:00
So millions of white, black, Latino, Asian, male, and female Obama voters from 2012 simply didn't vote this year. They are as much to "blame" for Hillary's loss as the media generated stereotype of the racist, ignorant white mid-west male, but they can't rightfully be blamed at all. Had she gotten Obama's numbers, it would have been a slaughter, but then again, it's Hillary. You can't shame people into liking a turd, and fuck you very much for trying, Jeff Zucker.
By Independent Press|November 16th, 20162017-01-03T19:10:57+00:00
"She was in a room full of 7 people and one of them is a reporter from CNN or MSNBC. She threw hot coffee on John Podesta and screamed 'You and your crimes are going to be exposed for all the world.' Then she literally lunged at him screaming die die!!!! Three people had to restrain her. This happened at 9.00 last night PST, so I guess midnight NY time.... Podesta took the worst of it, Hillary slapped him hard, called him a pervert, and a fool and said something about Obama being the Clinton’s Benedict Arnold. Hillary was raging on Obama calling him a turncoat.”