Gratuitous Impiety

Sexy! [UPDATE: It has been alleged that this is Chris Hayes, not Rachel Maddow. Wrong! We stand by our assertion that is indeed Maddow because Maddow looks like Buddy Holly.]

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Breaking: The Green Bay Packers invited fans to join them in interlocking their arms during the national anthem as a show of solidarity with the football team, and Broadway. Already gearing up for a potential Superbowl half-time performance, the Packers were not concerned about audience disapproval, it seems, and have been training with the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes in NYC. […]

The Nobel Prize committee has just announced a new nominee in the science department. Geneticist Dr. Hung Lo of MIT has not only discovered a way to remove and repair defective genes responsible for cancer and a host of many incurable diseases, the brilliant young scientist has also discovered a means to locate and repair the gene mutation responsible for CNN reporters. “Gone are the days when couples held back on having children because they feared severe birth defects, terminal post-natal diseases, or the possibility that their child might be morally and intellectually deformed enough to work at CNN.” […]

“This is a sex cult masquerading as a political movement. The idol, as in phallocentric cults and religions of long ago, is not the penis but the vagina. In this cult, the underlying belief system cynically objectifies women by focusing not on their status as the mothers of all men and women, as life-giving and wise leaders, but merely as political tools to be celebrated and feared because their genitals are different than that of men. Males are the evil patriarchs, but ironically, also the hidden hand of this so-called liberation movement.” […]

Local man Haywood Tapper, 34, excitedly told reporters today that he just can’t wait to tell his friends and family about what he learned from listening to pundits overnight. “I am just so glad there’s much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn’t have that right in a world this complex. I know, thanks to these beneficent fellows, that I need to be afraid of Russians and that Putin is a bad, bad man. From all the time they spend on it I think it’s more important than jobs, the economy, health care, even my life.” […]

Political herpes Hillary Clinton is a gift that keeps on giving, and she’s flaring up again in time to lose again in 2020. […]

SMH. Project Icarus Rex, the “top secret” DARPA/CERN time travel project commissioned by President Trump claims another gullible lawmaker, and The New York Times. As of yet, no retraction.

Confirmation bias is simply this: sometimes you get so hung up on finding data to support your belief that you grasp at anything, and that means anything, that could possibly support your conclusion. Sometimes, that means you fall for bullshit, just because you want to believe it so badly.  The corporate media has a confirmation bias against President Trump, and it is rabid. They have already decided that President Trump and 63 million Americans are beyond redemption and through their ignorance and impudence, need their vote nullified. They have openly, and tacitly, called for a revolution. This is not hyperbole. The corporate media is attempting a coup to overturn the results of a democratically elected president. […]

In a stunning development, Sen. John McCain has asserted that 60 million American voters may have colluded with the Russians to deprive Hillary of the presidency she was rightfully entitled to “because fuck you, that’s why.”

Sen. John McCain, who is scheduling hearings on the matter, told reporters that “We have damaging evidence that these 60 million, mostly Republican voters directly colluded with Russia to elect Hillary. As proof, we have ballots, actual ballots showing that they voted for Trump, and not Hillary, and that’s treason, if not collusion, according to the Washington Post, CNN, The New York Times editorials. These nefarious conspirators shared unflattering memes and information regarding Hillary Clinton. Because this is what Putin wanted, we clearly have a smoking gun. The egg beater does not lie, Doctor Watson, this is an existential threat to American fish bladders that requires boots on the ground beef to send a clear message to Putin. Do not bippity boppity the oven mitt for two birds in the bush, this is an outrage.” […]

A stern President Trump met with President Vladimir at the G20 with irrefutable proof of Russian election meddling. “You put Debbie Wasserman-Schultz up to rigging the primary. Can you deny this is you celebrating with Debbie, Podesta, and Mook after you heard Rich died? Didn’t you rig the primaries against Bernie so you could continue with more uranium deals after you managed to get 20% of ours with Hillary? You secretly wanted her to win. It was the perfect set up. You continued to pay her through the Clinton Foundation and more deals would be made to undermine our nuclear deterrent. Podesta would be Secretary of State and he already had business worth 35 million in Russia. You’re busted, Mr. Putin.”

President Putin was speechless, and hung down his head in shame. “It was Podesta the Molesta’s idea.”

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Trump suddenly dropped his fork and winced as he glanced at a growing red stain on the tablecloth.

“Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, hey, the table! Oh come on! REALLY, Mika? Really? Go home! Your face-lift is bleeding all over  the table! We’re trying to eat here!”

Worse, not too long ago it was a bunch of creepy texts from Psycho Joe to the President, but this is a bit of an escalation. “Cry for help maybe?” the agent asked. […]

In a stunning development today, Native American legend Pocahontas rose from the dead in zombie form to file a lawsuit against President Donald Trump for defamation of character. “He has consistently compared Sen. Elizabeth Warren to me and I find that very hurtful and cruel. ‘Warren Face’ or ‘Ages With Warren’ is now a common taunt I must face among the dimmer circles. Mean little boys don cheap granny glasses and poke their fingers in the air to taunt the skinny girls, saying things like ‘I’m Warren Face Sacajawea’ or something.  I’m not even blonde, none of us are! No one likes to be compared to that yammering spinster and fraud.” […]

The Washington Post bravely risks it all to reveal that by 2016, Donald Trump used his access to Gen. Michael Flynn to quietly direct DARPA, then in secret works with CERN in Switzerland, to commission the first  time machine ever constructed.  Billions had been spent on Project Icarus Rex by DARPA alone. A handful of Swiss and American scientists had initially planned to intervene in a past timeline to prevent World War Three, prevent the African famines, etc. As for President Trump, his first stop was World War Two, but he wasn’t there to stop Hitler. Trump was there to “talk shit about Anne Frank and challenge her to an epic rap battle.” […]