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January 2017

Council of Uninformed Neurotic Television Stars (CUNTS) Finally Changes Name

By |January 15th, 2017

But it's still unwatchable.

CNN’s Best

By |January 15th, 2017

Oh that Jim Acosta, bless his heart, he thinks he's people! Look how he barks at the President-Elect.

Wikileaks: Mexican Drug Kingpin, El Chapo, Donated 15M to Clinton Foundation

By |January 13th, 2017

The Times: Julian Assange launched an attack on the integrity of the Clinton Foundation with the latest intelligence report that says the organization had ties with Mexican drug cartel leader, Joaquín ‘El Chapo’ Guzmán.Guzman, widely known as ‘El Chapo’, has an estimated net worth of $2 billion USD. He is currently incarcerated in a high-security Mexican prison and is in the process of being extradited to the United States.

MI6 REPORT: ISIS and McCain Exchanged “Dirty Sanchez” for Fake Trump Dossier

By |January 11th, 2017

A former MI6 official, who wishes to remain anonymous, alleges that Sen. John McCain is the person responsible for giving the FBI the discredited "Golden Showers" Trump dossier, which was covered in The Guardian. This "leak" was met with a flurry of new accusations of secret stings wherein British spooks note he exchanged a "dirty Sanchez" with BuzzFeed editor and lover Ben Smith. The slang refers to a most unwholesome sex act where a partner having anal sex removes his penis from the anus and smears his lover's lip with feces and semen.

Suicide Prevention Counselors Urge Don Lemon to Kill Himself

By |January 6th, 2017

"This is certainly not the way we were brought up, saying this to you, but we don't think we are evil in saying it. We strongly suggest, say, eating a nice, caramelized bucket of broken glass, washed down with a refreshing, chilled glass of Prestone anti-freeze. We recommend cliff diving in Acapulco, with a practice run from a hotel roof. Shaving with a chainsaw was also suggested by our focus group, provided it was done in the dark, on a trampoline. An ear piercing with a jackhammer was another favored suggestion, and my personal one, as well."

Spy Agencies Reveal State Entity Who Most Influenced Trump’s Win

By |January 3rd, 2017

"It was this moron," said Director of National Intelligence Haywood Jablowme as he pointed to a slide of Hillary Clinton at a press conference earlier today. "That is the key state entity most responsible for influencing the election to favor President Trump. Putin didn't tell her to run while under an FBI criminal investigation, or to call half of America irredeemables, deplorables, racists, sexists... The media narrative is that if only people didn't know she was so corrupt and inept, she would have won. It's as asinine as saying that if only people didn't know the water was poisoned, we would have taken a drink and died, acting as if this was the logical desired outcome. So the impartial watchdogs who warned us of a clear and present danger are to be condemned? Fuck you."

“Putin dropped me repeatedly at birth,” Hacked DNC Emails with “Axe”

By |January 2nd, 2017

Political herpes Hillary Clinton, a crippling national embarrassment that just won't go away, flared up again today as she finally came to terms with her intellectual deficits and leadership disasters by acknowledging they did exist and were a problem, but that Russian leader Vladimir Putin was responsible for her affliction.She chimed in again today to attack Russia with unsubstantiated hacker claims, adding that if she sounds a trifle less astute in the geopolitical arena than John Kerry, Russian FM Sergei Lagrov, or most mammals in general, it is because Putin used a time machine to travel back to 1869 and drop her repeatedly at birth."This nefarious Russian conspiracy was designed to undermine my presidential campaign, and Putin has been caught red-handed as we know for a fact he owns a DeLorean like the one in Back to the Future."

January 2017

Pulitzer Prize Began With Fake News, Which Gave Us WWI

By |January 1st, 2017

How ironic that one of the most coveted prizes in literature and journalism comes from the guy that started fake news, indeed, news so fake and dangerous it got us into war with Spain and World War I, Joseph Pulitzer. Back then, however, they called it yellow journalism. It used to be journalism majors were taught this was something you were never supposed to do.

December 2016

SJWs Hateth Me!

By |December 24th, 2016

Verily, it dost seem special snowflakes hath been triggered by mine awesome legacy and shadow. Even I tremble, and I am he. Behold this article at the National Review:"U Penn Removes Shakespeare Portrait Because He Does Not Represent ‘Diversity’" And I, The Bard was replaced with a portrait of a black lesbian poet few doth know about, and verily I wandered far and wide to find someone who heard of her. Who is this woman? Thou mayest often find the answer at the local eatery near U Penn. Whenst the middle-aged cashier asketh unto thee "Do you want fries with that?" inquire of the timeless mystery that is Audre Lourde.

Hillary, Show Us Where the Bad, Bad Putin Touched You

By |December 19th, 2016

So you feel violated? Did someone exercise their right to vote for someone other than yourself? The hell you say! Not  in MY country! Did someone reveal the sobering truth about you and confirm the undecided voter's worst fears? Oh, hell no! You want Congress to investigate, or attack Russia? Eh, slow down, sparky. Unfortunately, for you at least, that's how elections work. I see you pointed at the doll's head. Is that the place where those bad, bad voters made you feel like a sore fucking loser?