Entertainment

Colin Kaepernick Takes Both Knees in General

He sucks, in other words. Taking a knee is an attack on unity. That’s what anthems are supposed to do: celebrate the unity of a people. The insidious aspect to virtue-signalling is best explained in how children whom are constantly being told they are bad, defective, inadequate, unlovable take that with them for the rest of their lives. Now this narrative, taken on a national scale, teaches children we should be ashamed of the anthem that brings this nation together because the author, Francis Scott Key, was a flawed man. […]

Entertainment

Thousands of Male Models Mass Suicide Over Rumors of Joy Reid Marriage, Assange on Suicide Watch

According to Reid, Julian Assange on suicide watch “after I got him to spurn celebrity babes like Pamela Anderson for false hopes of my sweet booty.” How did she do it? She texted him that she was married, which Assange did not know, and “he was ruined instantly.”

Unfortunately, word spread fast, and there were unintended and catastrophic consequences. Over 20,000 male models, and a few hundred very attractive women, perished today in a mass suicide over this false rumor that drop-dead gorgeous, beauteous vixen MSNBC anchor Joy Reid was married. But she went further. She really felt it was time to “twist the knife and break Julian” and call him “gross.” […]

Donald Trump

The Mar-a-Lago Incident: Behind the Scenes with Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, Psycho Joe and Trump

Trump suddenly dropped his fork and winced as he glanced at a growing red stain on the tablecloth.

“Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, hey, the table! Oh come on! REALLY, Mika? Really? Go home! Your face-lift is bleeding all over  the table! We’re trying to eat here!”

Worse, not too long ago it was a bunch of creepy texts from Psycho Joe to the President, but this is a bit of an escalation. “Cry for help maybe?” the agent asked. […]

Entertainment

Penis Suicide Rates Explode After CNN Chief Jeff Zucker Comparisons

CNN Chief Jeff Zucker was never easy on the eyes, but now a rash of penis suicides has hit the nation as male genitals are bullied online with taunts of “Jeff Zucker head”, “Butt Fucker Zucker,” “Zuck face”, “CNN is Fake News!”, “CNN is ISIS!” and “Mother Zucker” that in best case scenarios, only resolves with years of therapy; but in worst cases, ends in suicide and tragedy. The report, “Penile Suicide and Jeff Zucker’s Ugly Bitch Ass Face: A Twin Tragedy” was conducted by the University of Jeff Zucker Can Go Fuck Himself, and just published today. […]

Entertainment

More Talking Points to Sound Like a Complete Fucking Idiot, Courtesy The View’s Respected Political Scientists

Joy Behar, an internationally respected political scientist and intellectual powerhouse, made another compelling observation sure to heal a divided nation. The “Daytime Noam Chomsky” and “Plato of Punditry” whose wisdom is heeded by leaders far and wide, whose searing and trenchant insight is studied word for word with every episode in universities from MIT to Oxford, also noted that her vagina doesn’t appreciate gender appropriation and neither should yours.

“My vagina is whatever I say I want it to be,” she said with solemn and thoughtful certainty. “I call it a fire truck because my vagina is a fire truck. It’s time people start respecting real science.” […]