Brave Michael Moore has come clean in his new Truth campaign. “I am only 95 lbs. and I am starting to worry about my weight,” he said sadly. “I may have anorexia.” When asked if there were other deeper truths he was finally accepting, he said “I also didn’t know about Harvey Weinstein or about the biggest open secret in Hollywood: Weinstein was a brutal serial rapist who attacked countless of my peers and friends. They never confided in me or asked for help, too, the biggest champion of the underdog that I am.”
Out of respect for the POTUS the film, “I’m a Pretentious Hollywood Fuck Who Thinks My Movies Are a White House Priority and National Treasure” will not be screened at Tom Hanks’ home.
How to Grow Facial Hair Inspired by Shia LaBeouf: Shia LaBeouf has sported all beard styles, from a five o’clock shadow to gnarly neck beard to total lumberjack big beard. He’s rocked sideburns, stubble, and full facial carpet. Depending on which look you’re hoping to achieve, there are different ways to grow that coveted facial hair. To grow a beard faster, leave the razor and trimmers in the drawer for at least 4 weeks.
Joy Behar, 75, of The View. Not cool, man.
Sexy! [UPDATE: It has been alleged that this is Chris Hayes, not Rachel Maddow. Wrong! We stand by our assertion that is indeed Maddow because Maddow looks like Buddy Holly.]
Battered Pundit Syndrome often results when the abuse and scandalous, criminal behavior of a politician causes pundits to publicly humiliate themselves when defending or endorsing them. As their credibility is destroyed, the emotional battering and cognitive dissonance becomes impossible to bear. Sometimes, in extreme cases, the politician will go the extra mile to personally beat the shit out of them too.
Enimen and Harvey Weinstein just have soooo many things in common, well, you just wouldn’t believe it. For one, they’re shitty rappers. Stay tuned.
He sucks, in other words. Taking a knee is an attack on unity. That’s what anthems are supposed to do: celebrate the unity of a people. The insidious aspect to virtue-signalling is best explained in how children whom are constantly being told they are bad, defective, inadequate, unlovable take that with them for the rest of their lives. Now this narrative, taken on a national scale, teaches children we should be ashamed of the anthem that brings this nation together because the author, Francis Scott Key, was a flawed man.
According to Reid, Julian Assange on suicide watch “after I got him to spurn celebrity babes like Pamela Anderson for false hopes of my sweet booty.” How did she do it? She texted him that she was married, which Assange did not know, and “he was ruined instantly.”
Unfortunately, word spread fast, and there were unintended and catastrophic consequences. Over 20,000 male models, and a few hundred very attractive women, perished today in a mass suicide over this false rumor that drop-dead gorgeous, beauteous vixen MSNBC anchor Joy Reid was married. But she went further. She really felt it was time to “twist the knife and break Julian” and call him “gross.”
In Brief: Not gay Chris Matthews spent a recent broadcast focusing on Putin and Trump’s crotch as they sat at the G20. “They’re man-spreading, big time. Man-spreading all over my heart.”
Trump suddenly dropped his fork and winced as he glanced at a growing red stain on the tablecloth.
“Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, hey, the table! Oh come on! REALLY, Mika? Really? Go home! Your face-lift is bleeding all over the table! We’re trying to eat here!”
Worse, not too long ago it was a bunch of creepy texts from Psycho Joe to the President, but this is a bit of an escalation. “Cry for help maybe?” the agent asked.
CNN Chief Jeff Zucker was never easy on the eyes, but now a rash of penis suicides has hit the nation as male genitals are bullied online with taunts of “Jeff Zucker head”, “Butt Fucker Zucker,” “Zuck face”, “CNN is Fake News!”, “CNN is ISIS!” and “Mother Zucker” that in best case scenarios, only resolves with years of therapy; but in worst cases, ends in suicide and tragedy. The report, “Penile Suicide and Jeff Zucker’s Ugly Bitch Ass Face: A Twin Tragedy” was conducted by the University of Jeff Zucker Can Go Fuck Himself, and just published today.