Editor

Scientists Remove Gene Mutation Responsible for CNN Reporters

The Nobel Prize committee has just announced a new nominee in the science department. Geneticist Dr. Hung Lo of MIT has not only discovered a way to remove and repair defective genes responsible for cancer and a host of many incurable diseases, the brilliant young scientist has also discovered a means to locate and repair the gene mutation responsible for CNN reporters. “Gone are the days when couples held back on having children because they feared severe birth defects, terminal post-natal diseases, or the possibility that their child might be morally and intellectually deformed enough to work at CNN.” […]

Books

Trump vs. Anne Frank Rap Battle: WaPo Exposes Trump’s Top Secret Time Travel Project

The Washington Post bravely risks it all to reveal that by 2016, Donald Trump used his access to Gen. Michael Flynn to quietly direct DARPA, then in secret works with CERN in Switzerland, to commission the first  time machine ever constructed.  Billions had been spent on Project Icarus Rex by DARPA alone. A handful of Swiss and American scientists had initially planned to intervene in a past timeline to prevent World War Three, prevent the African famines, etc. As for President Trump, his first stop was World War Two, but he wasn’t there to stop Hitler. Trump was there to “talk shit about Anne Frank and challenge her to an epic rap battle.” […]

Censorship

Shakespeare: “Snowflakes Hateth Me!”

Verily, it dost seem special snowflakes hath been triggered by mine awesome legacy and shadow. Even I tremble, and I am he. Behold this article at the National Review:

“U Penn Removes Shakespeare Portrait Because He Does Not Represent ‘Diversity’” And I, The Bard was replaced with a portrait of a black lesbian poet few doth know about, and verily I wandered far and wide to find someone who heard of her. Who is this woman? Thou mayest often find the answer at the local eatery near U Penn. Whenst the middle-aged cashier asketh unto thee “Do you want fries with that?” inquire of the timeless mystery that is Audre Lourde. […]

Editor

OPERATION RAMBLING HAG Update: Gen. Martha Radditz Captured

ISIS  “Micro-aggression” Catches Radditz by Surprise. At the Trump and Clinton debate on October 19th, 2016, ABC’s Martha Radditz proposed a new Allepo strategy. She actually began to debate Trump on Hillary’s behalf to show off her prowess in war games and military history or as some wag noted “to run for president herself.” She argued it’s sometimes a good idea to telegraph intended targets weeks ahead against basic military doctrine (never strike without the element of surprise). The Pentagon was so impressed with this unconventional brilliance they made her a general and put her in charge of fighting ISIS. […]