Buddy Holly, a 50s rock star many had presumed dead in a plane crash, was found alive and well celebrating the inauguration of the 45th president. Clad in a suit too large for him, the bad fit led many to wonder if Holly had drastically lost weight in recent days.
Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s urgent call this morning for President Putin and President Trump to jointly declare that the use of nuclear weapons is unacceptable, was based upon shocking information discovered by Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev during his visit yesterday to the European Organization for Nuclear Research, known as CERN—and was where Medvedev confirmed Italian physicist Sergio Bertolucci, the Director for Research and Scientific Computing at CERN, believing that “something may come through the dimensional doors” they’re creating—but whose “dimensional something” being sought after is being attempted using a system of higher mathematics based on the number “616”—which Biblical scholars have determined is the true “Mark of the Beast” number—not “666” as has been long thought. […]
In a memorable culinary-themed fashion statement to close the debate, Hillary Clinton served up a new Gucci pant suit to wow undecided voters. The spiffy ensemble will certainly be remembered as she presented the national audience with an artfully garnished, steaming plate of bullshit peppered with a dash of inanity and tears. […]