BREAKING: Hillary Runs for President of Own Fan Club, Manages to Lose by Landslide

Interpol President Meng Hongwei opened an investigation into the suspicious activities of Hillary Clinton as it related to her fascination with obtaining information on acid throwing attacks—but that unexpectedly led to Meng disappearing and China then reporting that he had resigned his post, but whose terrified and tearful wife is now warning that he is in “great danger”—none of which actually surprised Russian intelligence officials as both Hillary and her husband Bill Clinton have been long time operatives of the Chinese communist government who put them into power in the first place. […]

In her new memoir What Happened, Hillary Clinton writes that “I was tempted to make voodoo dolls of certain members of the press and Congress and stick them full of pins.” However, while making the rounds and finding herself more unpopular among Democrats and progressives in her Blame Everyone Tour, she has decided to use the proceeds from the Clinton Foundation to redeem herself, and plans to reboot the Haitian economy. She has ordered 63 million voodoo dolls custom made for each individual Trump voter. […]