Dismembered Tim Kaine Found in Clinton Crawlspace After Disastrous Debate

Raising the MoD’s concerns about the USS James E. Williams being in the Black Sea so close to Russia’s border, this report explains, is that it places this rocket killing American warship in the direct flight path of the Soyuz-2.1b rocket scheduled to be launched from the Vostochny Cosmodrome tomorrow—and that President Putin, 3 hours ago, ordered to be protected by over 400 specialized Land Forces troops and their 85 pieces of war machinery—and which includes the feared S-500 “superweapon”  whose projectiles travel at hypersonic speeds of five to seven kilometers per second enabling them to intercept opposing hypersonic cruise missiles—and that are, also, able to “swat down incoming Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles and low-orbit satellites in space”.

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I met up with some army dudes, and told them my plan. They started laughin and shit. I told those preppy fucks to watch their back. They didnt think I could get saddam. I told them to make room in thier tent for a fuckin body. People just dont have faith in my skills anymore. The dudes gave me an old flak jacket and a beat up M-16 that jams up. “Thanks guys” I said, as I rode my camel away. I love the army, dude. I traveled across the desert, and I asked some hodgees where saddam was, and they pretended like they didn’t know. […]