BREAKING: Beached Blue Whale Identified as Lena Dunham

After reports of a beached blue whale surfaced earlier this morning, local wildlife officials were relieved to find that it was only “that drunk fat bitch Lena Dunham, who apparently, beached herself when attempting to obtain ‘an abortion for shits and giggles.'”

This was to clarify an earlier statement where she said “Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.”

Mermaids don’t give birth like humans, but leave thousands of eggs.

At press time, cranes had yet to arrive to push her back into the sea.

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Methinks I am a conspiracy theorist. Art thou? Thou block, thou stone, thou worse than senseless thing, for whilst thou slept didst this become a badge of honor. Informed dissent shall always prevail, wherefore art thou worthy, or art thou this unwholesome fool in the group conformity experiment herein?

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