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The Brady Bunch You Never Saw
The
following is a partial list of controversial and therefore abandoned
episodes from the has-been television sit-com, The Brady Bunch. The list
was compiled by NBC censors in the1970s before they mercifully canned
the stupid-ass kiddie show...
 February
19, 1973
"The Brady Six Six Six"
(partially censored, but aired)
The Brady family makes a pact with the devil. In
exchange for their souls, the Brady family's hitherto hopeless band, The Brady
Six, will become world famous. Davey Jones makes a special appearance as
Satan. An excerpt:
The contract signed in blood, Satan squats suddenly, and defecates
on the living room floor.
JAN
What are you doing?
SATAN
Do not question me. This works every
time. Quickly now, get me some staff paper.
When she returns, Satan dips the point
of his tail in the watery excrement and uses it to pen the music and lyrics
of a song. Greg walks to a piano he couldn't play just minutes earlier.
Greg's eyes roll up to their whites, suddenly he is in a demonic trance. He takes the sheet music
and plays effortlessly. Satan begins to sing.
[The actual song can be
heard here. 
Listen at your peril.]
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN- DAY
Alice is cooking dinner and overhears the
music. She covers her ears, each verse immediately driving her deeper and
deeper into an abyss of incurable insanity.
SATAN (O.S.)
I think I'll go for a walk outside now,
The summer sun's calling my name, I hear it now.
I just can't stay inside all day,
I've got to get out, gimme some of those rays.
Everybody's smiling (sunshine day),
Everybody's laughing (sunshine day),
Everybody seems so happy today in the sunshine day.
Oooh. Can't you dig the sunshine?
Feel the sun and the rays.
Can't you hear it calling your name?
EXT. DRIVEWAY BRADY RESIDENCE- DAY
Carol and Mike Brady arrive, the station
wagon pulling up in the driveway. Their arms are loaded with groceries. She
and Mike Brady are strangely immune to the evil sway of the music, and in
fact, like it.
CAROL
What delightful music!
Why, this morning none of them could read or write music!
MIKE
Catchy! Yes, I do
believe the Brady Six have something going there!
CAROL
(as Mike opens the
sliding glass door)
Alice, can you help me
with the groceries please? Alice? Oh my God-- no Alice, no!
Carol and Mike find Alice
standing on a chair, a noose around her neck.
ALICE
Don't try and stop me
Mrs. Brady!.... can't you... can't you hear the sunshine calling
your name?
Alice kicks the chair from
under feet.
February 19, 1976
Mr. Brady’s Best Friend- Batteries Not Included
(censored, not aired)
Mr. Brady has some explaining to do when Bobby finds a
vibrator and dildo in his father’s brief case while searching for
cocaine money. Non-stop laughter when an unwitting Bobby takes the
device to school the next day for Show and Tell, claiming it is one of
his father’s favorite architect tools.
The boy no sooner mounts the strap-on and whips out his
dad's blueprint for a new apartment complex before he is expelled by his
humorless teacher, and is the butt of every joke to be told by the
children for the rest of the semester. A script excerpt:
BOBBY
And
this is my dad's favorite architect tool. I think he
uses it to hold the blueprints to the table while he
examines them, but I must admit it might be hard to see
anything with these on.
Bobby mounts a strap-on dildo to his head,
the rubber penis facing forward. His eyes are obscured by
two large rubber testicles. The room bursts into laughter.
Bobby has no idea what they find so funny.
In part two of the episode Bobby jumps headfirst into the path
of a speeding wheelchair in a subsequent suicide attempt. Unfortunately, he
survives.
March 11
1976
Grand Dragon Brady
(censored, not aired)
Mike Brady
starts drinking again. He becomes convinced his curly-haired son Greg is an
"albino Negro" and was planted by the Black Panthers to spy on his family. A
script excerpt:
 The
family gathers around the birthday cake. Mr. Brady, in Klan robe and hood,
yanks out the birthday candles and plants a burning cross on the cake. Greg
is infuriated to tears, and runs to his room. Mike giggles with sadistic
abandon. Suddenly he notices the silent crowd glaring at him.
MIKE
(to crowd, in drunken slur)
What? What are you looking at, race traitors? White power!
CAROL
Mike, oh dear, you're drunk again!
MIKE
You boned him didn't you, slut?
CAROL
What the...?!
MIKE
You boned him, that- that- chocolate cyclops, that no-talent
one-eyed Jew Negro!
Mike
points at Sammy Davis Jr., whom just happens to be at the birthday party.
CAROL
Mike, please. He's a guest. Besides, Greg was already born before we
ever met!
SAMMY
(holding his latest album)
It's ok Mrs. Brady, I get it all the time. But, yeah man, it's time
for me to leave. I'll just check you cats out later. Tell Greg the
4th track on side one is dedicated to him.
CAROL
(looks at back of album and reads the
track list aloud)
Hmm. Side One... ""Mr. Bojangles", "The Candy Man", "Midnight in
Paraguay" and "Hey Greg Brady, Your Dad's a Stupid Motherfucker".
Carol's eye grow misty, and she dabs a tear away as she walks Sammy to the
door
CAROL (CONT.)
Oh Sammy, I am sure Greg will love this present most of all! Thank
you!
SAMMY
Don't mention it. Bye Carol, baby!
 |
| Phil Spector: Greg
Brady's real dad? |
 |
| Greg Brady
with a goat. Little goat, be afraid. Be very afraid. |
|
Carol
shuts the door softly, and approaches Mike with obvious disappointment
CAROL
I hope you're happy. You ruined it for everybody again.
MIKE
That hair on Greg, that ain't right. That ain't no son of mine,
that's no "natural perm", you lying whore! that's an afro, and I'm
gonna prove it!
CAROL
Mike, how could you push away your first-born son like that? bad
enough you always make him sit in the back seat of the station wagon
and call you "Massah Brady" in public, now you ruined his birthday
party! I- I hope you're happy, you stupid bigot jerk!
Carol
bursts into tears and runs upstairs to comfort Greg. The festive mood gone,
the party crowd begins to leave.
MIKE
Fine. be that way. I don't need you. I'll eat the cake myself. I paid
for it!
Mike
attempts to blow out the fiery cross on the cake. He blows feebly, then
suddenly vomits on the cake and table as the room empties of the remaining
guests. Mike collapses to the floor.
CHILD GUEST 1
What an asshole. Remind me to kick Greg's ass for inviting me to
this shit-fest.
CHILD GUEST 2
At least they didn't hire a magician this time.
CHILD GUEST 1
I know. Brady parties always suck, man. Let's go.
Mike
is passed out in a pool of his own vomit. CHILD 1 stops over his body,
nudges him with his foot. Mike begins to snore. CHILD 1 then kicks him in
the head and runs out the door.
May 9 1976,
A Brady Period Piece
(censored, not aired)
Cindy and
her conceited junior cheerleader pals from middle school want to see if Cindy is
worthy of their special company. After she fellates a moose, then
holds up a liquor store and pistol-whips the manager in the usual cheerleader
initiation ritual she is almost accepted. But then tragedy strikes. As they and
their boyfriends relax in the Brady’s new Jacuzzi, an excerpt from the final
scenes in the script reads...
CINDY
The water feels fine and all, but I
don’t feel so well...my stomach hurts!
CHUCK
Ughhh! red tide! red tide! Look- the
nasty bitch is bleeding, dudes!
SUE
Gross! Let’s get out of here- she’s
having her period!
The kids all exit as the water churns a bubbly
red, but Cindy stays put.
CINDY
(staring at bloody finger)
Mom, come quick- I’m bleeding! Mom! I’m
bleeding! How neat!
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