Wikileaks: Mexican Drug Kingpin, El Chapo, Donated 15M to Clinton Foundation

The Times: Julian Assange launched an attack on the integrity of the Clinton Foundation with the latest intelligence report that says the organization had ties with Mexican drug cartel leader, Joaquín ‘El Chapo’ Guzmán.

Guzman, widely known as ‘El Chapo’, has an estimated net worth of $2 billion USD. He is currently incarcerated in a high-security Mexican prison and is in the process of being extradited to the United States.

MI6 REPORT: ISIS and McCain Exchanged “Dirty Sanchez” for Fake Trump Dossier

A former MI6 official, who wishes to remain anonymous, alleges that Sen. John McCain is the person responsible for giving the FBI the discredited “Golden Showers” Trump dossier, which was covered in The Guardian. This “leak” was met with a flurry of new accusations of secret stings wherein British spooks note he exchanged a “dirty Sanchez” with BuzzFeed editor and lover Ben Smith. The slang refers to a most unwholesome sex act where a partner having anal sex removes his penis from the anus and smears his lover’s lip with feces and semen.

MTV’s “Dear White Guy” Taken to an Extreme in Chicago

Chicago police said Wednesday night that four teens are being held and questioned in connection with a Facebook Live video showing a group of people beating and cutting a special needs teen who appeared bound and gagged as they shouted “F— Donald Trump.”

Chicago Police Supt. Eddie Johnson called the video a “brutal act” that was “broadcast for the entire world to see.” As of January 9, 2017, all attackers are over 18, presently held without bail and charged with a hate crime.

CNN Fail: Suicide Prevention Counselors Urge Don “Fake News” Lemon to Kill Himself

“This is certainly not the way we were brought up, saying this to you, but we don’t think we are evil in saying it. We strongly suggest, say, eating a nice, caramelized bucket of broken glass, washed down with a refreshing, chilled glass of Prestone anti-freeze. We recommend cliff diving in Acapulco, with a practice run from a hotel roof. Shaving with a chainsaw was also suggested by our focus group, provided it was done in the dark, on a trampoline. An ear piercing with a jackhammer was another favored suggestion, and my personal one, as well.”

Spy Agencies Reveal State Entity Who Most Influenced Trump’s Win

“It was this moron,” said Director of National Intelligence Haywood Jablowme as he pointed to a slide of Hillary Clinton at a press conference earlier today. “That is the key state entity most responsible for influencing the election to favor President Trump. Putin didn’t tell her to run while under an FBI criminal investigation, or to call half of America irredeemables, deplorables, racists, sexists… The media narrative is that if only people didn’t know she was so corrupt and inept, she would have won. It’s as asinine as saying that if only people didn’t know the water was poisoned, we would have taken a drink and died, acting as if this was the logical desired outcome. So the impartial watchdogs who warned us of a clear and present danger are to be condemned? Fuck you.”

“Putin dropped me repeatedly at birth,” Hacked DNC Emails with “Axe”

Political herpes Hillary Clinton, a crippling national embarrassment that just won’t go away, flared up again today as she finally came to terms with her intellectual deficits and leadership disasters by acknowledging they did exist and were a problem, but that Russian leader Vladimir Putin was responsible for her affliction.

She chimed in again today to attack Russia with unsubstantiated hacker claims, adding that if she sounds a trifle less astute in the geopolitical arena than John Kerry, Russian FM Sergei Lagrov, or most mammals in general, it is because Putin used a time machine to travel back to 1869 and drop her repeatedly at birth.

“This nefarious Russian conspiracy was designed to undermine my presidential campaign, and Putin has been caught red-handed as we know for a fact he owns a DeLorean like the one in Back to the Future.”

Pulitzer Prize Began With Fake News, Which Gave Us WWI

How ironic that one of the most coveted prizes in literature and journalism comes from the guy that started fake news, indeed, news so fake and dangerous it got us into war with Spain and World War I, Joseph Pulitzer. Back then, however, they called it yellow journalism. It used to be journalism majors were taught this was something you were never supposed to do.

Bernie Lost His Street Cred

The only people that actually believe the Russians hacked our election are the same geniuses that spray their laptops with Lysol so they won’t get a virus. And here they are, in high office, taking the word of a butt hurt sore loser that unleashed a string of lies blaming her election loss on the Bernie Bros, racists, xenophobes, Alex Jones, James Comey, Obama, a biased pro-Trump media, Facebook, fake news, and now Putin. If you’re over 10 and cannot see the pattern of unending falsehood consistent with a pathological liar who not only insults your intelligence but flings it down and stomps upon it, please limit your grandiloquent opining to the kiddie table, this is grown-up talk.

BREAKING: Beached Blue Whale Identified as Lena Dunham

After reports of a beached blue whale surfaced earlier this morning, local wildlife officials were relieved to find that it was only “that drunk fat bitch Lena Dunham, who apparently, beached herself when attempting to obtain ‘an abortion for shits and giggles.’”

This was to clarify an earlier statement where she said “Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.”

Mermaids don’t give birth like humans, but leave thousands of eggs.

At press time, cranes had yet to arrive to push her back into the sea.

SJWs Hateth Me!

Verily, it dost seem special snowflakes hath been triggered by mine awesome legacy and shadow. Even I tremble, and I am he. Behold this article at the National Review:

“U Penn Removes Shakespeare Portrait Because He Does Not Represent ‘Diversity’” And I, The Bard was replaced with a portrait of a black lesbian poet few doth know about, and verily I wandered far and wide to find someone who heard of her. Who is this woman? Thou mayest often find the answer at the local eatery near U Penn. Whenst the middle-aged cashier asketh unto thee “Do you want fries with that?” inquire of the timeless mystery that is Audre Lourde.

Former CIA Spy Has A Christmas Message For Trump

The media purveys fake news. Between now and Inauguration Day you should ask Mike Flynn, your National Security Advisor, to sit down with Kellyanne Conway, Brad Parscale (Giles-Parscale), Andrew Garfield (Glevum Associates), and me, to discuss the repurposing of the White House floor space and resources now wasted on the fake news press.

Hillary, Show Us Where the Bad, Bad Putin Touched You

So you feel violated? Did someone exercise their right to vote for someone other than yourself? The hell you say! Not  in MY country! Did someone reveal the sobering truth about you and confirm the undecided voter’s worst fears? Oh, hell no! You want Congress to investigate, or attack Russia? Eh, slow down, sparky. Unfortunately, for you at least, that’s how elections work. I see you pointed at the doll’s head. Is that the place where those bad, bad voters made you feel like a sore fucking loser?

Was Seth Rich the DNC Leak? Ask John Podesta

Podesta: “I’m definitely for making an example of a suspected leaker whether or not we have any real basis for it.” In the first week of August several news boards alleged that Huma Abedin was the leak, and that she had Seth Rich contact Wikileaks and Anonymous. Wikileaks has offered a $20,000 reward leading to the capture of Rich’s killer(s). Yet another source, SVR intelligence analysts, claim that the hit team was captured in a shoot out with the FBI on July 12, 2016.

PeePee-Leaks! Hillary Blames Putin for Leaking Her Bladder

Citing an anonymous CIA source, twice failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton peed herself earlier today at a gathering laying out the true reasons for her loss. News later emerged that the Russians were somehow responsible for leaking the full contents of her bladder before she could finish her speech. This time Russian leader Vladimir “The Bladder Whisperer” Putin did take the blame and said her vesica, a double agent, was “always a faithful leaker.”

Morbidly Obese 1% Millionaire Steals Clothes from Homeless

“It’s hard enough being homeless, I have endured a lot of insults, but ‘Michael Moore called– he wants his clothes back!’ That’s just low, man. We didn’t ask for this.”

Michael Moore, a morbidly obese millionaire and darling of media elites, was recently spotted stealing clothing from a homeless veteran while filming a documentary on his life as an anorexic pole dancer and single black mother.

The Ruling that Made it Legal for the Media to Lie

Back in 2006, a major news network went to court to defend their right to lie. This is the ruling that made it legal. “In a stunningly narrow interpretation of FCC rules, the Florida Appeals court claimed that the FCC policy against falsification of the news does not rise to the level of a ‘law, rule, or regulation,’ it was simply a ‘policy.’ Therefore, it is up to the station whether or not it wants to report honestly.”

Agent Govniuk Exposed as Russian Agent/Hillary Alter Personality

Dr. Pepe Le Frogg announced today that Hillary’s alter personality has been identified as a Russian spy named Agent Govniuk, a self-destructive splinter of her personality that loves to sabotage her life. Govniuk is Russian for a very naughty word, incidentally. This incredibly self-destructive alter, when in control, made sure she ran while under a criminal FBI investigation. It made sure she rigged the primary and sabotaged Bernie Sanders’ campaign and lost his supporters when they found out. It was responsible for her calling half of Americans racist, deplorables, irredeemables, xenophobes, and sexists. Because “Agent Govniuk” blames everyone else for her mistakes, she cannot self-correct, so she continuously fails no matter how much she is assisted by political operatives and donors.

Russian Conspiracy Theory Fail

No Russians involved. Dr. Steve Pieczenik was Deputy Assistant Secretary of State under Henry Kissinger, Cyrus Vance and James Baker. His expertise includes foreign policy, international crisis management and psychological warfare. He served the presidential administrations of Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush in the capacity of deputy assistant secretary.

In 1974, Pieczenik joined the US State Department as a consultant to help in the restructuring of its Office for the Prevention of Terrorism.