Ooooh. AP is threatening the web, saying it plans to withhold content and police the web for anyone using them as reference to fight a “piracy” they mastered like no other. As for their threat, it’s like a hooker threatening not to marry you. It’s not a threat as much as it is a welcome reassurance.

After all, Rupert Murdoch is one of the cretins running it now. Why should anyone miss AP when it is infected with the credibility-killing FOX virus? This is how useless the Associated Press has become: since most of the international media is online, not one breaking story in recent times has been the result of AP investigative reporting. It’s always the result of independent papers, bloggers, or television coverage. What AP is good at doing is covering a story that has already circulated. It is irrelevant, a joke. You know all those retarded stories you see ridiculed constantly on the Daily Show and the Colbert Report? They are indeed, reported by television anchors. But guess the source? The number one source is AP. What they do is spin it, if at all. Here’s the gist of an AP reporter’s job.

“Hi sugar. I’m AP. Need a date? No? How about war propaganda? Cheap!”

For an international story:

  1. Browse an international paper. If it is not in English, use a Google translator.
  2. Paraphrase the story.
  3. Attribute it to AP reporters.
  4. Syndicate the rehashed garbage to papers and mass media.

For a domestic story:

  1. Browse for a local story.
  2. Paraphrase story, and if interesting, perhaps call or email those involved for a comment.
  3. Attribute it to AP reporters.
  4. Syndicate the rehashed garbage to papers and mass media.

Only on major stories are photographers assigned, and even when they are, they are usually part of an international media pool which has already released photos with the story coverage. Man. What will journalism ever do without AP? Oh. I know. It will thrive. Eat a dick, Rupert.

CC BY 4.0 This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.