Independent Press

Jill Stein Demands Pit Hair Recount

In a surprising development, crazed Green Party candidate Jill Stein called for a recount of her 10,984 pit hairs in hopes that it could somehow influence the electoral college and flip the election. Catatonic Clinton volunteers, still in grief and shock, had already counted the hairs twice in a painfully mistaken belief they could use them to replace the ballots in Michigan.

“The hairy Green bitch lied to us!” cried a rueful Rose Pudenda. “I have arthritis and I can’t afford this aggravation. It took me five minutes to flip her the bird.” […]

9/11

American Holocaust: 9/11 an Irrefutable Nuclear Event

“The file included documentation of a 2003 preliminary report on 9/11 which identified the event as a nuclear demolition on behalf of a terrorist organization that had accessed nuclear material from US stockpiles though Israeli penetration of the Department of Energy. It further alleged that the Department of Homeland Security had been established to manage the coverup and silence whistleblowers.” […]

Sorcha Faal

Putin Orders Nukes To EU Doorstep After Obama Sides With Nazism In UN Vote

President Putin has ordered the immediate deployment to the Kaliningrad Oblast of the dreaded supersonic nuclear-capable Iskander mobile ballistic missile system and the feared S-400 air missile defence system as a “direct response” to President Obama joining with Ukraine as one of only 3 nations in the entire world to vote against the United Nations resolution condemning the glorification of Nazism. [Note: Some words and/or phrases appearing in quotes in this report are English language approximations of Russian words/phrases having no exact counterpart.] […]

Hillary Clinton

Pedophilia Scandal: New York Times Already on Defensive

In regards to the Hollywood and DC child sex rings, damage control makes the elite defend the indefensible: pedophilia. A two-year old article reflects the framing of the scandal as it first appeared. Incidentally, to the pervert who wrote this at the NYT, Margo Kaplan, pedophilia is indeed a crime and you might want to look into the law books to see just how serious it is. “Pedophilia is a Disorder, Not a Crime” just won’t fly in the courts or with anyone that’s ever been molested or raped as a child. […]

Hillary Clinton

Sexy Hillary

Former Miss Universe and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took time off from beating the shit out of Robbie Mook and John Podesta to make a rare post-election appearance. Her disarming beauty was enough to make her fiercest enemies reconsider their enmity and in some cases, pen love letters to the failed presidential candidate. […]