Rahm Emmanuel’s Angelic Voice

March 31, 2013 Independent Press 0

I knew about the guy who had Obama’s ear that cursed almost as much as me, although I’d never seen my rival in person. During a White House tour, as I ran into the men’s room and sat down in the stall to pinch a steaming Limbaugh, I heard something haunting, very odd, yet beautiful. His voice was vaguely familiar. After cursing up a storm in the stall beside me I made out something along the lines of:

“Gibbs, you motherfucker! You inconsiderate cocksucker! I can’t believe you left a floater in my favorite stall! Fuck you! Fuck you, you bubble eyed sack of dog shit. Fuck! Fuck ! Fuck! I will kill you, you motherfucker, learn how to flush and put that breaking news in your press release!” I heard him light a match and could soon smell its smoke; the hopeless attempt to mask Gibbs’ unflushed offering.

CNN’s Army Psychological Operations Specialists at News Headquarters

March 31, 2013 Independent Press 0

A handful of military personnel from the 4th Psychological Operations Group (i.e. PSYOPs) based at Fort Bragg in North Carolina have until recently been working in CNN’s headquarters in Atlanta. An enterprising Dutch journalist named Abe De Vries came up with this important story in mid-February, and he remains properly astounded that no mainstream news medium in the United States has evinced any interest in the story.

William Shatner’s Crimes Against Humanity

March 30, 2013 Independent Press 0

If after watching this video you are still not convinced a special UN tribunal for Shatner’s crimes against humanity is warranted, then listen to William Shatner’s rendition of The Beatle’s Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” Then, if you have not succumbed to the the instinctual reflex of projectile vomiting and sepukku, write to U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan and demand action now!

An Interview with Trey, or Robert Hamburger

March 29, 2013 Independent Press 0

With the release of Ghosts/Aliens, the long awaited second work from the creator of Real Ultimate Power, many fans wondered if he could do the seemingly impossible: produce an even funnier book.These fans should be comforted in the fact it is just as funny or funnier than the first book. We caught up with Trey and Mike at a crowded book signing in Hollywood and afterwards, we took a stroll to a nearby Starbucks where they were kind enough to agree to an interview.

Gump II- The Fuhrman Confession

March 28, 2013 Independent Press 0

After watching Det. Mark Fuhrman plead the 5th when asked directly if he planted the bloody glove at the Simpson residence, it seemed a fatal blow to the prosecution’s star witness. It wasn’t. So we pose a simple question: what if Det. Mark Fuhrman confessed to framing O.J. Simpson at his murder trial? Would it matter? Would the prosecution drop or continue the case? After a careful psychological study of prosecuting attorneys Marcia Clarke and Chris Darden, the following outcome was predicted…

CNN Employs Actual Klan Propaganda

March 28, 2013 Independent Press 0

CNN’s “respected” source: referring to Mexicans as “bastards” Cosman goes on to say that in Mexico rape is considered less serious than cow stealing and claims that most Mexicans specialize in “molesting girls under age 12, others age 5, others age 3.”